|Bush Secures 'Local Control'
By Corben Harper
WASHINGTON - NBC viewer polls indicate that 86% of Americans approve of the president’s latest measures to turn control of the nations school districts back over to local communities.
Employ America 2001
Bush’s earliest initiative, Employ America 2001, allowed school boards to sell their facilities to the highest local commercial bidder. Since then, companies like Walmart and Mcdonalds have experienced radical expansions as they've absorbed thousands of school districts and watched their stocks skyrocket while Wall Street continues to speculate about the unprecedented economic influence this program has given to big franchises.
“Now, more than ever, graduating seniors can rest easy about their future
employment,” says Walmart Vice President, Dick N. Meover. Walmart currently
educates and employs over 15% of the nation’s adult population. “Our share
of the workforce is even bigger than that if you also count the 7-10 year-olds,”
(continued at top of page)
|assemble disposable junk for our 500,000 store locations
nationwide. ’That’s WALMART! Where we give you the training that
lands you the job that gets you the money that buys you the stuff that
you make yourself…..All Day Long!!’. That’s our new motto starting this
holiday season. Good, huh?”
“This isn’t exactly what we had in mind when we first started lobbying
for decentralization,” said
Miller was reportedly seen by unnamed sources having dinner with friends of possible relatives of suspected drug dealers the night before and is known to have had a history of mental illness while growing up with her parents (against a Walt Disney psychiatrist’s advice) in Podunk, VA.
Critics of Bush’s education reform policies have argued that the quality of goods and services have sunken to an all time low since the beginning of his first term in office, but industry think-tanks have been quick to correct them by pointing out the increased employment that directly results from shoddy merchandise.
(continued at top of page)
|“If we built TV’s that lasted more than 30 days, there’d
be no need to build new ones every month,” explains an exasperated Donald
Assbackwards, President of Motorola’s Entertainment Division. “What would
you have Motorola DO then? Cut 13 million of its TV manufacturing
jobs? Close down 28,000 of our locally controlled schools?
If it weren’t for the brilliance of planned obsolescence, you’d have over
80% unemployment and school truancy of biblical proportions. Good god,
Latest Reform Measures
Bush’s latest measures include a proposed bill that would make automobile, cell phone, stereo, vacuum cleaner, and television ownership mandatory for all people seeking economic assistance from the government. “This will help to further stimulate growth in the private sector and encourage our human resource material [kids] to stay in locally controlled schools where they can learn the valuable skills required in today’s workplace,” announced bush in last weeks State of The Corporate Union address. Later, when asked why blenders, food processors, stoves, and cuttlery would not be included in this mandate, Bush rolled his eyes and gestured toward the McDonalds’s golden arches emblem on the revised US flag, “There are plenty of decent restaurants to eat at. What are you, a communist?”
******** Ya Gotta Have One ********
******** .....Literally ********