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The Unlikely Adventures of Thumagard Bean
By Matthew Darjany
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Copyright © 1999 Matthew Darjany
Not many years ago, on a far away island that nobody has ever
taken a picture of, there
lived a little boy by the name of Thurmagard Bean. Thurmagard
was a polite young
man and very intelligent- which is what you are when you have
a head where can think very big
thoughts. Thurmagard loved to dream of heroic sailors and horrible
pirates, just like the ones in his father's stories. Every day,
shortly after the sun rose high above his house, Thurmagard would
pack a lunch basket and go to the family pet store where he would
eat with his father and watch the ocean through a big plate glass
window facing the seashore. One rainy day when the weather outside
was especially windy and dark, the bell on the pet shop door rang
loudly, followed immediately by a rude clash as it slammed shut
again.
"Arrr matey, I needs a parrot I do!" yelled a gruff
voice.
Thurmagard turned from feeding turtles to meet the strangest
man he had ever seen.
He was very tall and dressed entirely in black . He wore a long
black coat and a
tattered, black, three cornered hat. He had a black patch over
his left eye, and on his right
side he had a peg-leg instead of a proper one. The man was a
pirate.
"My father is out making delivery just now, kind sir, and
we are closed for lunch. Come again. Please and thank you,"
Said Thurmagard politely.
"My parrot has flown away, arrr! I needs a new one. Everybody
knows that a proper
pirate wears a parrot on his shoulder, arrr!" repeated the
man.
"I am sorry, sir," said Thurmagard, "but we have
no parrots to sell you. We have only
these turtles, a parakeet, two goldfish and a hamster, none of
which would make very handsome
pets."
"Arrrrrrrr!" bellowed the pirate in a nasty way.
"Arr, arr, and ARR!" The pirate waved his hands angrily,
turning a circle around the floor with his peg-leg beating THUNK
THUNK. "Do ye know who it is that yer speakin' to, lad?
I are 'Uncle Ted the Awful', dread pirate of the seven seas;
and it's only seven because there aint no more than seven, arr!"
Thurmagard thought for a moment and then said, "Maybe my
father could order you a
parrot by mail. It is sure to be here in a few days."
"I've no time for waiting, arr! My ship sails tonight and
I'll not leave without a proper
piratey parrot on my shoulder, the kind wot likes crackers and
cheese, arr!"
"I had crackers and cheese today for lunch," said
Thurmagard carelessly.
"Arr lad, wot did you say?" questioned the pirate,
staring down at Thurmagard with his
one good eye.
"I said, kind pirate, that I had crackers and cheese today,
for lunch," replied
Thurmagard, more carefully than before.
The pirate roared with laughter, "Harr harr, and ARRR!
Ye'll do fine,
ye will." Uncle Ted reached down and plucked Thurmagard
up by the shirt and placed
him on his shoulder. "Ye're not much bigger than a parrot,
ye have better manners , and ye likes crackers and cheese, arr!"
the pirate said as he turned and left the shop
with his new parrot, Thurmagard Bean, riding precariously on his
shoulder.
Thurmagard thought very deeply, for he was a boy of great intelligence,
and found himself in quite a fix. "Who will serve my father
lunch everyday?" he said to himself; and again, "who
will help care for the animals if I am gone?"
A young boy running off to sea with a great and horrid pirate
is one thing, but sailing off into adventures and dangers that
his mother wouldn't approve of was altogether another. He just
had to get home. Thurmagard continued to think even as they arrived
aboard a mighty sailing ship that was bustling with the activity
of busy sailors. Uncle Ted stood on the deck of the ship and gave
the order for the crew to cast off and they were out to sea.
The next morning, as the pirate walked about the ship giving
orders to his men, he explained that a piratey parrot is a parrot
that says piratey things such as "Arr!" and "work
lubbers!" which, he assured, was very pirate-ish indeed!
Thurmagard politely refused, saying, "I cannot repeat the
things that you say, for they are very impolite and my mother
would wash my mouth with soap if she heard."
"Arrr, and ARRRR! How dare ye speak to Captain Uncle Ted
the Awful Dread Pirate that way. Why I'll take ye and cast ye
to the fish and see ye swim home, I will, arr!" he yelled.
"Well this is a pickle," thought Thurmagard, "I
cannot swim and I am sure to have great difficulty getting home
now."
Uncle Ted plucked young Thurmagard from his shoulder and placed
him directly onto a narrow board that stuck out over the boat's
edge and directly above the ocean's salty waters.
"Now, ye rotten parrot, ye'll walk the plank, ye will; and
ye'll keep walking till yer wet, harr harr and arrr!"
Thurmagard truly wished that he was a parrot with a parrot's
wings so that he could fly away from this very cranky pirate and
go home to have lunch with his father whom he missed very much.
He shrugged his shoulders, looked at the end of the plank and
took his first step. What would he do?
Just as he was nearly to the end of the narrow board, the mighty
sailing ship jerked to a halt as if gripped by an even mightier
hand!
Poor Thurmagard was thrown high into the air and landed in a
tangled heap of sailors running to and fro on the deck of the
ship.
"Monster!" some screamed.
"Waaaaaa!" cried others.
Thurmagard looked to see what had caused the commotion. He saw
huge purple tentacles wrapping themselves slowly around the hull
of the ship.
"Shiver me timbers, boys, a giant octopus; run, I say!"
barked Captain Uncle Ted as he hobbled towards his cabin just
to be snatched from the ship by a great slithery arm attached
to the frightening beast.
"I are doomed I are, says I, arrr!" yelled the captain
as he squirmed in the grip of the octopus.
"Poor Awful Uncle Ted!" Thurmagard said to himself
as he looked around for a way to help.
Thurmagard thought very hard. He spied some rope and a lantern
hanging neatly by the ship's center mast. He quickly fastened
one end of the rope to the lanterns handle, being careful not
to burn his hand on the hot glass, and swung it about his head
like a lasso. He aimed very carefully and, just as the octopus
opened his beak to make a tasty snack of the pirate, hurled the
lantern with all of his might.
The lantern smacked the monstrous eight armed octopus right in
the mouth, shattering the glass, and spilling flaming oil down
its throat into its cavernous belly.
The creature paused for a short moment, looked at Uncle Ted the
Awful, glanced at its own beaked mouth and...
"BRAAAAAAAAP!" came the rumbling bellow deep from the
octopus' belly, followed directly by a dark, oily, cloud of smoke.
"Arrr, did ye just burp at me, ye stinky beast?" asked
Uncle Ted. "Didn't yer mum teach you any better manners
than that? If yer gonna run about eating people fer no good reason,
at least be polite about it, arrr!"
"BRAAP!" burped the octopus again. "BORP! BRAP!
BLOP! HICCUP!" came the continuous belching of the distressed
creature who, in its confusion of why it had such an upset stomach,
dropped Uncle Ted to the ship's deck with a resounding THUD and
swam away, belching, burping and hiccuping to itself all the while.
"Arrrr." said Uncle Ted quietly as he came to Thurmagard's
side at the center mast. "Arrr and Arrr, boy. Ye saved
me hide ye did, and after all that I've done to ye, I can't figger
why?"
"Sir pirate," began Thurmagard, "I saw that hideous
octopus snatch you up from your ship and the friends that you
love. I was very sorry for you and had to help if I could. It
was the polite thing to do."
" I thank ye fer yer kindness to an old naughty pirate,"
said Uncle Ted with his head low, "I've learnt me lesson,
I have, and I'll turn this ship right 'round and take ye home
to yer family."
The other sailors on the ship were grateful as well, and by the
time they had all arrived back at Thurmagard's home, they had
given him wonderful gifts of the piratey; sort shiny black boots,
a long black coat, and from Uncle Ted himself, his wonderful,
black and tattered three cornered hat.
"Ye were the best parrot I ever had, arr," said Uncle
Ted with a tear in his eye, "I'll miss ye, boy."
"These are wonderful," said Thurmagard gratefully,
"and I had a wonderful time with you on your very handsome
ship but I have to go home now, for my parents will be very worried
for me. Come again, please and thank you."
Thurmagard turned and headed home, and was known for years to
come as a friend of sailors and pirates alike as long as they
were considerate and polite.
The End.