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Techniques: Active Voice
by Sandy Tritt
http://tritt.wirefire.com
If the first rule of writing is Show, Don’t Tell, the
second should be Keep It Active. Active voice is what puts us in the
middle of the action and allows us to feel. Passive voice is what gives us
the feeling that someone is telling us a story that happened once upon a
time.
Ray could suddenly feel the room widely circling around him before he
started to wake up. He was feeling completely horrible. He hated feeling
that way. Slowly rolling to his stomach and silently swinging one leg off
the bed, he could use the floor as an anchor. The floor was solid and it
would help to stop the dizziness. There was a good chance he would be very
sick.
Exciting, huh? Okay, let’s examine why this leaves us breathless with
boredom:
• Unnecessary words. Any word that doesn’t add to your story detracts from
it. Examine your prose for words like these: started to, began to,
proceeded to, could, would, there was, there are, there is, there were,
seemed to, tried to.
• Inactive verbs. Watch for passive verbs, such as was, is, were, are.
Replace them with active verbs, the most active and descriptive words you
can think of.
• -ing words. Verbs ending with “ing” are by nature more passive than
those ending with “ed.”
• Adverbs. Those -ly words that precede a verb weaken it, not strengthen
it. If your verb isn’t strong enough to make the statement you want it to
make, find a stronger verb.
• Intensifiers. Very, really, totally, completely, truly and so on. Is
completely empty any more empty?
Before we look at our example above, let’s examine each of these concepts
individually and see how they suck the power right out of our prose. Each
of the following sentence pairs gives a poorly written sentence, followed
by one that improves it:
• It is the governor’s plan to visit tomorrow. The governor plans to visit
tomorrow.
• John proceeded to dump sand on the castle. John dumped sand on the
castle.
• There were eight tiny reindeer leading Santa’s sleigh. Eight tiny
reindeer led Santa’s sleigh.
• Jack could hear laughter. Jack heard laughter.
• Erin was sleeping. Erin slept.
• Mike was very tired. Mike was exhausted. (Better yet: Exhaustion dripped
through Mike’s bones like slow pouring molasses. Okay, okay, so I get
carried away. Sorry.)
• She quickly and purposefully walked to Jarod and sharply hit his arm.
She strode to Jarod and punched his arm.
Now, before we apply these concepts to our example paragraph above, give
it a try yourself. But be advised, more than one answer is possible, and I
took it a step further and omitted complete sentences that added no value
and redesigned others for a more effective flow.
Ready? This is what I came up with:
The room circled around Ray. He rolled to his stomach and swung one leg
off the bed, using the floor as an anchor. Even before he opened his eyes,
he knew he would be sick.
Half as many words, twice the power. Learning to change ineffective
passive prose into active voice is one of the most important things you
can do to increase the quality of your fiction.
EXERCISE: Active Voice
Now try your hand at making these sentences more active. Possible
solutions are printed in Section 6.
1. Sandy started to sit up.
2. Wilma was leisurely looking out the window when she started noticing
the big bird.
3. There were fifteen new members at the prose workshop.
4. Joan was very good at reading her story.
5. It is my intention to thoroughly teach how very bad passive voice
really is.
6. I could see that my constantly repetitive lessons were starting to get
annoying.
And the challenge is:
Ray Gambel started to thinly slice potatoes, and he was constantly
watching the clock. It was 3:45. There was a phone on the counter and he
would look at it, as though that would really make it ring. The letter
he’d gotten from his father was very precise: he would call on Friday
afternoon at 3:30 p.m. Eastern time.
Ray quickly wiped his hands on his jeans. He reached into the pocket of
his new plaid flannel shirt and there was the envelope. He took it out of
his shirt pocket and looked at it. While he was looking at it, he noticed
there wasn’t a return address. But the postmark was there and it was
clearly visible: “El Paso, Texas, March 10, 1969.”
(from Section 4, Workbook)
Want more great tips and techniques? Our
Inspiration for Writers
Tips and Techniques Workbook is now available. Expanded tips, more
topics, reproducible worksheets, exercises to practice what you learn and
much more--check it out! Free shipping anywhere in the United States.
(c) copyright 2002 by Sandy Tritt. All rights reserved,
except for those listed here. December be reproduced for educational purposes
(such as for writer's workshops), as long as this copyright notice and the url: http://tritt.wirefire.com are distributed with the pages. For use in
conferences or other uses not mentioned here, please contact Sandy Tritt
at tritt@wvadventures.net
for permission and additional resources at no or limited charge.
Keep writing!
Sandy
Tritt
Inspiration
for Writers
tritt@wvadventures.net
AUTHOR-ME PAPERBACK - NOMAD: A REFUGEE POET
By Rais Neza Boneza
"Leave or Die," he was told. Driven
from home by the authorities in République Démocratique du Congo, Rais Boneza
escaped with his family and thousands of other dispossessed people. He shuffled
from one neighboring country to the next: Burundi, Rwanda, and Uganda. Border
guards purloined his writings. Arriving in Uganda he wrote again, creating
Nomad, a precious collection of his hopes, dreams, and an outcry for the
conditions he sees in the land he loves. Read his verses and experience the
hidden misery faced by a refugee in a land of political strife, bloodshed, and
yet – a brilliant promise.
For more info....
http://www.cookcom.net/Nomad.htm
Go Back in Time!...
Check out
our new all - immersion Life of Jesus (Part 1) from David C. Cook
III. You'll become a true believer. Visit...
Religion
Category
AuthorMe.com
is dedicated to the memory of David C. Cook III.
From Paul the Apostle...
Chosen
Instrument
By Kurt Schuller
Another
inspired work recreating
Bible times.
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Starting a 'zine
by Meghan Murphy
www.unfundedhumor.org
"So, what is this?"
"Read it."
"Call… for… entries…"
"Was that so hard?"
If you want to be sorely
disappointed by an audience’s
reaction, don’t hesitate to present
your newly acquired and brilliant
ideas to your very closest friends.
They’ll be sure to pepper you with
dim-witted questions, which serve to
negate all the thoughts of genius you
had been dreamily entertaining and
replace them with doubt and
irritation.
"You’re starting a magazine?"
"Yes, for humorists."
"Oh, I loves ‘zines!"
"Thanks." I think, would you point
at a gourmet banquet and then brazenly
declare, "ooh, pass the vittles"? A 'zine,
indeed! But I quickly get over myself
and embrace the fact that I have no
budget or non-self-appointed
credentials. Fine. It’s a ‘zine. Go
forth and spread the word.
My publicity machine began as a
fistful of mystified friends and
colleagues I aggressively drafted to
distribute fliers and forward e-mails
heralding my fledgling publication and
its thirst for contributors. I then
set about wallpapering the whole of
Boston in photocopied propaganda. My
budget was at negative $6.50, owing to
the cost of the printing of the
fliers, but I estimated that my
British phone booth bank held at least
twenty dollars in exclusively
non-copper change, so really I was up
about fifteen bucks if you thought
about it in terms of available assets.
There were several people I figured
I could seduce immediately into
contributing, due to their reliably
strokable egos. A couple of these
marks agreed happily, but by and large
my friends were surprisingly uneager
to prove their hilarious, literary
worth's for a good cause. I wondered
vaguely how it was I’d managed to
amass so few amusing and motivated
friends having lived for an entire
half-decade in a large city, but these
things happen. The college-educated
tend to list toward the mope and
vitriol when it comes to writing, and
after quickly calculating whether I
had enough old essays of my own to
fill forty pages, plus the wherewithal
to concoct a couple dozen noms de
plume, I accepted that it was time to
hit the keyboard in search of
Submissions
.
So the next step brings us here, to
the wonders of the computer age, which
in the fine tradition of cyclical
anecdotes is actually where the whole
business started. Unfunded is the
byproduct of my own frustrated web
quest for digests looking to publish
humorous essays and stories. It was a
mission which bore little resemblance
to the fruitful journey I had
fantasized about, in which competing
publishers fought over the rights to
my genius. I typed in every imaginable
combination of the keywords ‘writing,’
‘humor,’ ‘publish,’ and ‘submission.’
I soon dropped the latter from the
roster, as it only provided links to
bondage sites which I found to be both
plentiful and disheartening. I did
manage to find several free writers’
forums, however, and it is here that I
hope to gain access to those
commiserating and amusing folk I seek,
those with the rare gift of humor and
a healthy respect for grammar. If you
are among these masses, come forward!
I gots me a ‘zine to publish.
The Dungeons of My
Mind
by Jeanine Ostroff
In the dark and dusty dungeons of my
mind. I feel that my youth was
snatched from me like a thief in the
night. Lying still covered with soot
and cobwebs are pages of my world.
Years have slipped away yet the pages
are unchanged. Still sleeping in their
dusty chambers, needing to be
rectified to reclaim myself despite
all the negative souls around me. I
finally take possession and capture my
pages with thoughts and feelings
filling them with color and a glimmer
of hope.
I am a forty eight year old woman with
four kids. With raising kids and going
through the motions of living. My
dream of writing always seemed to come
in last in the realm of life. Hearing
the words "Get a real job" playing in
my head, and "Get with reality you
will never make it as a writer".
Putting a block in my heart not
wanting to fail again in something. I
have written twelve children's books.
When my kids were small, I would take
them to the library and would check
out twelve or more books to read at
bedtime. It's funny after one book; I
would pick up another one and read it
also that same night. By the time my
kids fell asleep, I had read over five
books. Some books were good and some I
wondered how did they ever get
published. I thought to myself," I can
do this". So I decided to write my
first book. "The Smarty Pant's Fly".
Then
from there I dabbled in some poetry,
and got one published in a book with
thousands of others. The poem I wrote
was "As The River Flows". From there I
wrote many more books. Then with life
being too hectic and feeling so
discouraged ,I put my stories away.
Now
with my kids grown I decided that this
would be my time to shine, and make my
dream come true. I have sent a few of
my stories to publishers. While
waiting for some news, I started
another story to keep myself busy. I
decided to see if I could find a
writer's support group, or chat room
that I can visit. In searching for
links, I found this site and became a
member. Thank you for the chance to
let some feelings out, that have been
bottled up for so long.
Critiquing Special
Critiques by Sandy
Tritt
-
Unlike most editors, I consider my role
to be a mentor or a coach. Instead of just telling you what is wrong, I
explain how to correct the problem, and I work with you to teach you how
to write effective prose. More than 50% of my business is repeat
business, and I relish establishing long-term relationships with other
writers.
-
Treat you with respect and compassion.
All criticism will be of the "constructive" sort. My purpose is to
improve your writing, not to destroy your confidence.
-
Mark your manuscript, correcting
grammatical and spelling errors and suggesting alternative wording where
appropriate, line-by-line.
-
Highlight areas that are especially
well-written, so you will know where your strengths are.
-
Where appropriate, offer suggestions for
plot development, character development or other areas that could be
strengthened.
-
Return a two-to-four page written
analysis of your work. This will include evaluation of: plot, setting,
characterization, dialogue, special effects (flash forwards, flashbacks,
etc.), voice, point of view and any other areas particular to your work.
-
If appropriate, recommend reading or
resources to strengthen your areas of weakness.
-
Answer any questions you have via
email.
-
Provide my telephone number for a
personal follow-up, if you desire.
For Sandy's success stories, see
http://tritt.wirefire.com/Manuscript_Critique.html
Write Sandy at
tritt@wvadventures.net
(See Sandy's article in left column.)
Visit our sister websites...
http://www.author-me.com/
http://www.galleyproof.com/
http://www.storythread.com/
http://www.slushpile.biz/S
Publishing New Writers,
December, 2003 (no. 412)
Publisher: Bruce L. Cook, P.O. Box 451, Dundee, IL 60118.
Fax (847) 428-8974.
Submissions
/comments cookcomm@gte.net.
Links are
welcome.
To subscribe and/or review our archive of past newsletters, go to
Newslist
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RULES IN WRITING
MAKE, STRETCH, BEND, EVOLVE OR BREAK
Ken Mulholland
Before I begin on 'Writing' allow me to draw some parallels.
Back at the beginning of the last century, when the fledgling movie
industry was beginning the era of the 'Silent Film', the camera itself
was a static object. Actors were directed to work within the boundaries
marked out for them and tended to move from side to side of the screen
all in a single wide shot.
It was not too long however before someone discovered the 'close-up' and
with that came the innovation of 'cutting' from shot to shot. Cameras
were later placed on moving trains and cars and the invention of a
'dolly', a vehicle designed specifically for camera movement, came into
play. Eventually, the actual movement of the camera, either by
mechanical means, or mounted on a tripod by the hand of the cameraman,
became commonplace, and the sophistication of the process grew.
Yet there were also rules as to how and what the camera did and didn't
do, evolving along with that freedom of movement. It was noted, for
instance that a shot of a train approaching from the right of screen,
followed by a cutaway to the heroine tied to the tracks and back to the
train approaching, looked very strange indeed if the second shot of the
train was executed from the other side of the track. The result was that
the train appeared to be approaching from the left of the screen. So
that it seemed to have turned around and was headed in the other
direction.
Why move the camera from its original position? The answer to that is
'because you could.'
Yet it was seen that there could be a cause and effect situation, and
that many subtle obstacles were yet to be encountered.
Movement itself was another untested medium for the camera. Of course,
when the camera was freed from its static position, movement was
employed without much consideration as to how it would affect the actual
look.
As the movie industry and, later, television grew, there came a school
of thinking about movement that said, 'Movement of the camera should
only take place when it is motivated by movement of the subject'.
Unmotivated movement was considered foolish in the extreme, because it
was thought to disrupt and diminish the actual work of actors and
storyline.
This simple rule was subsequently modified to include 'movement within
the frame' so that any movement whatsoever would allow the camera to
move. Here we have an example of the 'bending' of the rules.
The 'Line Cross' was also considered a definite no-no. Therefore an
interview between two people must be shot from the front only. In other
words if two people are sitting facing each other on a set, the camera
must never be taken from the front of the set and placed so that it is
on the other side of them. Otherwise you end up with the effect of two
heads in close-ups jumping around on the screen and facing both left and
right away from each other.
All very logical when you see actual examples of the above. And so you
would think that these two simple rules would remain unchallenged.
Not so. There will always be someone who wants to stretch rules, to push
them to new limits, even to break them. Thus, unmotivated movement being
a problem, ways and means to motivate camera movement were created by
'The Creative'. Anything, no matter how slight, would be enough to
trigger movement and at times this came to be so contrived as to border
on the ridiculous.
'Line Crossing' was also a challenge to be overcome.
Same train, same heroine on the tracks. Shot of train approaching from
left of screen. Ah! Movement!
Motivation for the camera! It moves with the train's movement, only
faster so that it includes the heroine tied to the tracks in foreground,
and over the tracks to the other side, still framing the train which is
now travelling from the right of screen!
Why bother doing all that? Because some bright spark figured out a way
of doing it whilst still remaining within the rules.
Nowadays, unmotivated movement is not a problem. You see it all the
time. Two people talking, standing absolutely still, are often shot by a
continually moving camera that will execute a complete three hundred and
sixty degree track around them. Why? Well because this adds interest to
an otherwise boring, static dialogue, of course.
As for 'Line Crossing', well that's now done on purpose, so that it
causes a disruptive effect on the viewer to enhance the plotline. Yeah
sure.
These are two simple examples of 'Rules' coming into existence, being
challenged, stretched, bent, broken and eventually reversing, and are
all a part of the evolution of the process.
Like language itself and the rules that govern it, from time to time,
during various trends of thinking, there will always be someone who
wants to challenge those rules and see just how far they can push the
envelope.
Yet not only is language fluid and constantly evolving, but so are the
rules that govern the spoken and written word.
The last century saw a strong emphasis on handwriting, on the correct
enunciation of speech and a pride in maintaining those rules, laid down
long before.
With the innovation of the typewriter, the computer and the internet,
all that went out the window.
Text messages on mobile phones and the email system have become the
shorthand of the electronic world.
In this new century, kids (or anyone for that matter ) can communicate
in a number of ways only dreamed of in the past. Yet kids do it with
such ease.
In any event, the whole world of writing is again going through a major
state of change. That is not to say that it is never unchanging, but
simply to note that technical innovations can create an environment of
acceleration.
Thus we must revaluate the guidelines of writing ( As we must do with
almost all our values on life in general in this strange New World
beyond 2000 ) and look at the rules again with eyes that are set toward
the future, and hearts that are rooted in the past.
We must do this, for to ignore the events that are rapidly unfolding in
the realms of communication: the internet, the written word on email,
text messages and the simple old-fashioned book, is to look back at what
once was.
And now, no longer, is.
This is something 4 U & me 2 think about.
Now, as usual, out of time again!
Ken
Mulholland is
Country
Editor - Australia
AuthorMe.com Group
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