Everything gets messy, right? I mean really messy, right?
Well, imagine that times 3. That’s
how my life is right now. According
to the Internet, I’m manic-depressive, suicidally depressive and mentally
unstable. In all my 20 years, I
never thought it could get this nasty. My story begins in August of 1999. My ex-boyfriend James just joined the Army Reserve and I was
packing to temporarily live with my dad while James was away.
James sat staring out the back passenger window of Angie’s car.
Matt, Angie, James and I were on our way to Long Beach, Washington for a
2-day trip to the beach. James was
angry with me. The day before, I
had quit my job and James was furious. He
didn’t talk to me the entire trip north.
I swept my long auburn hair up and leaned my head back.
I thought about how ridiculous the entire fight was and how James had no
say about how long I chose to work somewhere.
It pissed me off just thinking about how he seems to think he can rule my
life. Yeah, we were engaged but
that didn’t mean my entire life was his.
Ack! I can’t write about that trip anymore. It’s beginning to make me sad yet incredibly mad.
So let’s just sum up the trip then.
The entire trip was a waste. James
and I were pissed at each other the whole time. When
we got home, we finally talked. James
said that I behaved irresponsibly and I shouldn’t have quit my job.
He then said that all we do is argue and that maybe it was time to call
it quits. I cried and begged him
not to leave me stating that I could change.
The more I think about it, the more I realize how stupid that was.
James gave in and we held each other for about an hour.
The time came when I had to leave for Texas.
The original plan was for me to drive down there.
The morning came when I was packing up the car when James stopped me and
asked me not to drive down south. He
said his parents could hold on to the car while we were gone and I could take
the bus down. I told him no because
my dad was counting on my having a car to use down here.
We argued for 30 minutes when he finally gave in.
We drove him to work and in the parking lot, we hugged and kissed for 10
minutes before he let me go.
I started down the freeway from Portland shouting out my good-byes and
feeling free and lucky. When I got
to Salem, I realized how lonely this trip was going to be.
2,563 miles was a long time to drive but I was up to it.
I started have car trouble in southern Oregon but nothing I couldn’t
handle. I stayed with my
grandparents the first day and stayed a second.
The morning of the third day, I drove into northern California and stayed
with my grandparents there. I ended
up staying with them for 3 days leaving on the morning of the forth day.
That night, I stayed in Bakersfield, California.
The next day I headed for Las Vegas.
I stayed with my Uncle Danny and Aunt Cindy for 3 days, leaving the
morning of the fourth day. I talked
to James everyday that I was gone. I
would tell him how much I loved him and how much I missed him.
To make him feel like I truly missed home, I told him I wanted to come
back. I enjoyed my days on the
road. It was peaceful and quiet.
I got to think, sing crazy songs, and be me.
I didn’t get to be me very often.
So, from Vegas, I traveled on to Gallup, New Mexico to Amarillo, Texas
then finally on to Winnsboro, Texas. I
was relieved to be here at last. My
entire trip took me 12 days to travel.
It started out great here. In
4 weeks, I had a job working the graveyard shift at one of this town’s most
popular convenience stores. I was
loving everything. I had a job and
I had a temporary new life. I began
getting to know my customers and I met a guy named Casey.
Casey was a gothic looking man. Long
black hair, black jeans and black shirts. The typical gothic teenager.
Because of James, I had gotten out of that look.
I was preppy looking but Casey liked me anyway.
We quickly became friends who were hanging out everyday (or should I say
night?). Casey and I had days filled with driving around and talking. Going
out to the lake and talking. Taking
late night trips out to near-by towns. I
swore I was falling for him hard. By
this time, James had started his basic training and I had only received 2
letters from him. I didn’t like
sitting around the house all day, so I would hang with Casey.
I met his girlfriend about 3 weeks into our friendship. He brought me with him to her house when we went to pick her
up. She was quiet but really sweet.
Krystal was her name. I had
seen her before, but I hadn’t met her until that night.
When Casey came walking out to the car with her, I got out of the front
seat and moved myself to the back. She
told me I didn’t have to move, but responded by telling her that it was all
right. That night, we all decided
to go out to Mt. Zion. A cemetery
that Casey called his own. This is
when the trouble began. Krystal had
decided to ride with me because we were getting along great and she wanted to
talk with me some more. On our way
to Zion, we would talk about our likes and dislikes.
Come to find out, we had a lot in common.
That night, Krystal and I had struck a bond that was like no other.
In one part of our conversation, Krystal mentioned that she was worried
about meeting me because Casey had said that I was a real bitch when it came to
certain things. He also claimed that I wanted him, bad! Well that wasn’t too far from the truth.
Yes, I did want him, but he had Krystal, so I knew there was nothing I
could do. But when Krystal
mentioned that, I told her what Casey had said to me.
I told her that I was really nervous to meet her too because Casey had
said that she was an extremely jealous girlfriend who wanted to kick my ass.
Not only did Casey lie about us to each other, but played it off to
Krystal that I was trying to come between them because I wanted him so bad.
After that night, Krystal and I became the best of friends.
If I wasn’t with Casey, I was with my 2 new friends, Krystal and Diana.
We would just cruise around town drinking beer and singing to each other
or simply just talking. Sometimes we would go to movies and have a girl’s night
out. Krystal and I are closer than
Diana and I are. Krystal is like a
sister to me and I would do anything for her.
There was a period in our friendships where I was constantly trying to
help Casey and Krystal in their relationship.
Casey would come to me for advice or just to seek some comfort.
I was there for him. At
least I tried to be. Originally,
Casey would cry on my shoulder if he thought that he had done something wrong to
Krystal. But now, well, that’s
It was Casey that gave me everything I had.
He introduced me to everyone I knew.
I love him for that. But it
was Casey that tried to take it all away when he thought I was “abusing his
kindness.” I loved Casey with everything I had to give.
He was like a little brother to me.
The phone rang one night in late November of 1999.
Casey was calling me to see if I was going to come by his friend’s
house and meet them. I told him I
was on my way. I put the phone down
and slipped on my blue sweater. I
pulled the front section of my now short red hair back into a clip, put on my
shoes and walked across town. I
reached the apartments Casey directed me to and walked up to the second story.
Casey had said that the apartment he would be in was the last one on the
right. When I reached the top of
the stairs, Casey came walking out of the last apartment on the left.
Looking confused, I asked Casey which one was it.
He said that his friends, Jessica and Eric had gone to bed and now he was
hanging with his friends Chad and Darrel. I
walked sheepishly into the small apartment and saw the 2 men sitting on the
couches. Chad Carr was the tall
skinny guy in the athletic gear on the love seat.
He wasn’t gorgeous but decent. He
had short light brown hair and wire rimmed glasses sat on his face.
I then looked at Darrel Wolf. My
stomach knots every time I think of him. Spiked
blonde hair, blue eyes. Cute round face and an awesome build.
He was 5’9, a bit on the short side, but that was fine with me.
Casey mentioned for me to sit on the couch in which I sat next to Darrel.
I couldn’t keep my eyes off of Darrel.
He was gorgeous. I wanted
him so bad. Bad news came later
though. He was married. But not to someone you would think he could have.
No, she was a cow. She was a short fat cow.
Anyway, Darrel and I talked as we sipped on beer and waited for Krystal
and Di to show up. He was an
ex-Seaman looking for work while trying to get rid of his wife but keep his son.
I felt sorry for him and I so wanted to be the next in line to have him
as a boyfriend. Ah, but I am
forgetting something, huh? What
about James? James was the last
thing on my mind at that point in time. James
was like a distant memory. Even
though James was scheduled to come for Christmas break, I hardly remembered. We
hung out for most of the night, but Krystal had to get home so Diana took me and
Krystal home at 11:30 that night. I couldn’t stop thinking about this hot man I just met.
I didn’t care that he was 4 years older than I was or that he was
married. All I knew was that I
wanted a piece of this man. He
claimed that he and his wife were separated.
So, it didn’t matter who he was seeing now.
I remember my heart leaping at that.
The next evening, when Krys, Di, Casey and I were out and about, Casey
requested that we stop by Jessica and Eric’s so that he could pick up
something. When we were pulling up
the drive, I caught a glimpse of Darrel outside.
We dropped Casey off and us girls left.
When we came back later to get Casey, he said that he was going to stay
with Darrel for a while and we didn’t have to come back.
So we went cruising around town until about 10:00 when Krys said she had
to go home. I was dropped off
first. I waved good-bye to the
girls and walked in the house. No
sooner had I gotten my shoes off, the phone rang.
It was Casey. He was asking
if he and Darrel could stop by for a little while.
I said it was fine but Casey wanted to talk some more. Casey began by asking me what I thought of Darrel and told
him I thought the man was fine. Casey
laughed and I heard Darrel in the background asking what was so funny.
I told Casey not to breathe a word of what I just said to Darrel.
Casey swore he wouldn’t and said that they were on their way.
They showed up 10 minutes later and we sat in my living room just talking
for a while. Darrel sat next to me and we talked while Casey sat watching
TV. They left about 30 minutes
later. Casey said he would be back
Oh god... Thoughts of Darrel drove me mad.
He was becoming my every thought and James was slowly slipping away.
Still even now, our conversations come back to me.
Darrel would confess his dislike for his wife but how much his son made
him happy. He didn’t want to be
with Ida anymore. He told me of how
during a heated argument that she confessed to marrying him because she was
pregnant. To me, that was a cruel
way to lure anyone into marriage. Poor
Darrel, I constantly thought. He
needed someone who could actually love him.
I knew I could, it was just a matter of telling him that I wanted him.
Days turned into weeks and I hadn’t seen Darrel.
Casey and I would do our daily thing but still no sight of Darrel.
Until one night, Casey called me from Darrel’s, inviting the girls and
me over for a party. I jumped at
the idea and called Krys. Di and
Krys were coming to pick me up and we headed to Darrel’s. When we arrived, Ida had come home, so the party was off.
She and Darrel had gotten back together.
My heart sank and left a knot in my stomach all night.
Casey came walking down the stairs as Ida and Darrel were heading up when
we all noticed Casey had stopped Darrel and was talking to him. Us girls chatted for a few minutes when I noticed Casey and
Darrel looking at me. Darrel was
smiling and Casey was still whispering to him.
Casey slapped hands with Darrel and started towards the car.
Darrel kept looking at me and pointed at me then walked up the stairs.
I, being confused as all hell, looked at Casey when he got into the car
and asked him what that was about. Casey
said, “Don’t hate me Nicole,” all of our attention was on Casey now,
“but I told Darrel you wanted him.” He replied casually.
“You did what?!?” I
yelled. “You told him?
Why?” Casey just shrugged
and we left. When we started to
take Krystal home later that evening, I turned to Casey and asked him what
Darrel had said to him about it.
“He wants you too.” Casey
replied with a grin. My heart
jumped and I leapt on Casey and hugged him.
“I love you Casey!” I
said as I attacked him with a kiss on the cheek.
Casey pushed me off him and said, “Don’t get too excited, I think Ida
heard what I said.” I groaned.
“What?” I said.
“When I was walking out to the car, I heard Ida ask who you were.”
Casey said. Krystal turned
around in the front seat and said, “That sucks, Nick.”
I was devastated. Now the
cow knew who I was. I went home
The Cow (Ida Mae) and I had a confrontation once after that night.
We were at Darrel’s hanging out while she was at work. Chad, Casey, Krystal, Diana, Jessica, Darrel and I were in
his apartment drinking and talking when the phone rang. Darrel told us all to hush as he answered the phone.
It was the cow. Darrel said hello and that’s when the trouble started.
He was talking peacefully with her when Casey made a face and made
Jessica laugh. Next thing I knew,
Darrel was telling Ida who was there with him.
He listed us off and paused. Then
he repeated my name. Everyone
froze. This is what we heard:
“She’s here because I invited her. “
Pause. “No, I’m not gonna kick her out.
She’s my friend.” Pause.
“No.” Then he hung up.
I got worried. He sat back
down next to me. He told me that
she was pissed that I was here and she was on her way home.
She said that if I wasn’t gone when she got home, she was going to kick
my ass right out. I told Darrel I
wasn’t afraid of the cow and told him to have her bring it on.
Just then Krystal got up and asked me to run with her to the store.
I tapped Darrel on the knee and got up and we left.
In the car, Krystal asked me what was going on.
I told her what Darrel told me. “I
got your back, girl,” was Krys’s response.
We went to the store and got cigarettes and returned to the apartment to
find that Ida still hadn’t returned home.
So we went inside and I took my seat next to Darrel and returned to what
we were talking about. I can’t
remember exactly when the door crashed open and the cow walked in.
Everyone had gone outside when they heard her pull up, but I remained in
the house with Darrel and Krystal. She
marched over to the couch and asked Darrel, “Which one is Nicole?” Darrel looked at me and so did the cow. “Are you Nicole?” she yelled at me.
“Get the hell out of my house!” she yelled at me.
She grabbed Darrel and took him in the back room.
Krys and I heard them arguing and Ida came walking back out. “I told you to leave!”
She said to me.
“No way. I was invited here by Darrel and I’m staying until he tells
me to go.” I stared her down
while chanting those words at her while she kept demanding that I leave.
“Get out of my house before I move you out!” she screamed at me.
I just shot her a “try and make me” stare.
She looked at Darrel and said “Get that bitch out of my house.”
Darrel looked at me. I said
nothing. I looked at Krys and said to her, “Come on Krys, this Cow
isn’t worth my time.” And we
left. But before I was out of the apartment, I looked at Darrel and
he smiled as I said, “see you later, dude.”
The night was a complete disaster.
Time came and gone. Weeks
flew by. James had come for his Christmas break and left.
After Christmas, Casey and I planned to have a New Years party with
Jessica and Eric. Casey made sure
to invite Darrel. New Years Eve
arrived and Jessica was having a party upstairs while Di, Krys and I were having
our party downstairs in Di’s boyfriend’s apartment.
About half way into the party, Di called upstairs to get Casey to come
down. I, being drunk, knew Darrel
was upstairs and asked her to ask Darrel if I could have a kiss at midnight.
Di related the question to Darrel over the phone and told her yes! I was so excited. I
ran over to my drunken friend Krystal and told her what Diana had done for me.
She told me Congrats and continued to drink.
About 15 minutes later, Krystal asked me to go get the Shania Twain tape
out of Di’s car and I went. I was
looking in the car when I looked up and there was Darrel staring up at the sky.
I found the tape and got out of the car. Darrel looked at me and said hi.
I went to where he was standing and took me to the side of the building.
We talked a bit and he asked, “do you really want a kiss from me?”
“More than anything. No
“You got it. I’ll see
you at midnight.” He turned and
headed up the stairs after patting me on the ass.
My countdown to midnight had begun.
Thirty minutes before midnight, Darrel knocked on the apartment door.
I answered it hoping it was him and what did I know, it was!
We went to a back room and just talked some more.
I asked him the most deadly question I knew to ask.
“Do you actually love Ida?” I
asked. I never got a straight
answer. He told me he was staying
with her because he wanted to be around his son.
I guess that’s not too difficult to understand.
5 minutes before midnight, a pounding came on the door.
Darrel and I rushed to the living room and Krystal opened the door.
Ida came in and demanded Darrel come back upstairs.
She gave me a nasty look and they went outside.
They talked for a few minutes and he came back in.
It was 30 seconds to midnight. He
took me in the hallway and held me close. Together
we counted down... 5... 4... 3... 2... he leaned in closer... 1... we kissed.
We kissed again. And again. Good
god, he was a good kisser. I wanted
him even more. I looked at him and
asked him if this meant that I could have more of him.
He said yes. He then told me
he had to get back upstairs or Ida was going come down for him.
I walked with him to the door and he pulled me out with him.
We stood there kissing some more. He
promised he would call me the next day. I
didn’t hear from him again until February.
After New Years, James and I began having problems from across the state
lines. He confessed that people
from Portland had followed me down to Texas and reported everything they would
see me do. He said that I need to
shape up and stop lying to him. I
was in an outrage. I hated him for
even letting these people think that I was going to stand by and let this
happen. I told James that if he
didn’t tell these people to leave me alone, it was over.
After we hung up, I avoided him for the rest of the day and into the
next. When I finally decided to
talk to him, he told me that he told “them” to back off. I believed him and we went on.
I told Krystal and Diana about what happened and they gave suggestions
that I shouldn’t have to take this kind of bs.
I later told Casey about it and since that day, he has hated James.
The weeks went by and I began to think more and more about what I should
do. I had Darrel on my mind
constantly and I hardly ever thought of James.*
When his letters came in the mail, I wouldn’t read them.
I began thinking about all the arguments and demands James made of me.
The way he wanted me to be and the way I wanted to be.
I didn’t want to be his little puppy dog anymore.
I didn’t want to be his sex slave he could call to when he was “in
the mood.” I thought about it and
thought some more. I finally made
my decision in late January that it was over.
I took my engagement ring off and locked it away.
I called Krystal and announced my decision.
Now I just had to wait until James was finished with his AIT training and
tell him when he called.
James called on February 19th and I sat down and told him.
I cried because I loved him, but I couldn’t let him dictate how I was
going to be as a person anymore. He
told me in an effort to keep me that he was going to try to get a transfer down
to Texas. Sorry my friends, that
wasn’t going to keep me around. That
meant that if I did stay with him, the same treatment, and just a different
location. James isn’t an innocent
victim here. Don’t get me wrong,
I have done some pretty mean things to him, but who wants to live like that
forever? Not me.
In mid February, Darrel came knocking on my door.
He told me that Ida had filed for a divorce and the police were going to
be looking for him. He was making
plans to leave Texas forever and wanted me to come with him.
I was on cloud nine! I told
him I would be right there by his side. No
doubt about it. I didn’t have to
worry about cheating on James and now he was finally separated from the cow.
My heart was soaring. That
Friday, the group of us went down to the local tattoo parlor.
Casey was looking to get another tattoo and Darrel wanted to get his
dragon tattooed now that he had the money.
While we were waiting for Casey to get done, Krystal and I were talking
about when I get my tax return back, I was going to get my tongue pierced.
Darrel heard our conversation and told me he’d be right back.
He returned a few minutes later and asked me if I still wanted my tongue
pierced and I told him yes. He
pointed to the chair in the other room and told me to go get my ass in the
chair. I looked at him and he said, “If you want your tongue
pierced, get in the chair.” I
looked at Krystal and we walked over to the chair.
Darrel was grinning like an idiot and Krystal was holding my hand.
Jeff, the guy who pierces tongues, came in and in less than 10 minutes; I
had a shinny barbell in my tongue. It
was so cool. It didn’t even hurt. Darrel
kissed me and said, “There you go. Just for you, love me.”
I grinned and stuck my tongue out at him.
We laughed. We kissed again.
Oh god, I was so happy then.
February 28th, Darrel came to my house and told me to pack, we
were leaving tomorrow. I packed all
night and called my friends and said goodbye.
I was up all night just thinking about Darrel and kissing his picture.
I finally fell asleep at 4:00am. The
next afternoon, Darrel showed up and we packed his cute little Tracker up and
headed to New Orleans. It was a
7-hour drive but really peaceful. We
arrived in the bustling city at 9:30pm and checked into a motel in the Gretna
area. When we got our stuff out of
the car and in our room, we sat together and kissed. After settling in our room, we took off to the nearest
convenience store and bought a 6-pack of beer.
We went back to our room and drank until we were drunk. We made such passionate love that night.
The next day, we headed out to Bourbon Street.
He showed me everything there was to see in downtown New Orleans.
We went walking through a mini-mall when he asked me.
“What did you think about last night?” The question took me by
“It was beautiful. Very
emotional for me.” I answered.
“It was emotional for me too.” I
looked at him and kissed him. No
one had ever told me that before. We
continued our walk through the mall.
That night, we headed out to the Mardi Gras.
He got me Mardi Gras beads and all sorts of souvenirs.
We walked over to Bourbon Street and got a couple of the famous New
Orleans daiquiris. We sipped on
those as we walked around Canal Street. As
we started to pass up a hotel, he looked at me and asked if I had ever seen
“Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.”
Of course I had! Who
“Remember that company that Dr. Evil owned in Seattle?” He asked me.
“Well guess what,” he started. He
pointed up to the side of the hotel where a Starbucks sign hung. “It’s a
real company!” I laughed and
laughed. He looked confused so I
“You didn’t know it was a real company?” He looked embarrassed.
“No. You did?”
“Honey, Starbucks is a “Seattle based coffee company.”
I’m from the northwest. We
have them everywhere!” I said as
I was laughing. I teased him all
night because of it. That was great.
Now to show you the other side of this trip, I am now including some of
my journal entries:
March 2, 2000 –in New Orleans
Birthday time is coming and I’m in New Orleans.
Nobody knows except Krys, Di, Casey and my family.
Since my last entry, Darrel and Moo Moo have decided to get a divorce and
Darrel has come to me. Yes, the boy is mine! Well…
I don’t know. The night of the 29th,
he made it seem as though we are together – we had sex and all.
Yesterday it seemed as though we’d be together for a long time, but he
called Ida and now I don’t know what to believe.
From his end, he kept telling Ida that he loved her too and that made my
heart sink. I was feeling so ahead
of Ida, now I feel as though she has won another battle for Darrel over again.
Darrel is stuck in the middle of something and I don’t think he
comprehends it all. This is a war
for his heart and I don’t intend on losing.
Darrel will be mine. So Ida
Mae can kiss my ass. We had sex
again last night and I was hoping that I could change his mind about going home
and staying with me. Perhaps this
is a battle I am meant to lose. I
don’t think I could handle his going back to Ida.
I’m really confused about this whole thing.
He said that if we went home, I would see him everyday.
I just hope he keeps his word on that.
Now that we are heading home, I know I will never see him because the cow
lured him back home. His ass will
be thrown in jail and I won’t see him for 3 to 5.
Suppose I do wait that long. How
do I know he’ll come to me and not to Moo Moo?
I’m trying to look at this whole thing rationally and logically but
everyone knows I rarely ever do that. I
know that I’m a better significant other for him. I can’t figure out why he would want to stay with Ida
except for the fact that they have a son together.
That’s the only reason I’d come anywhere near Ida.
Anything else and I would go somewhere else.
It’s truly depressing that we are heading home.
I figured this was a good way to start out a new life.
Go to New Orleans and start there. I
am so sick and tired of the same thing everyday.
God god, I can’t stop thinking about the sex.
It was so heavenly. A truly
emotional experience. I have never
felt anything like that before. It
was very beautiful. Quite honestly,
I can’t wait for it to happen again. Truth
is I doubt that it will due to that fact that he’s going home.
Goddamn it! The ass stole my
P.s. I fear that this could be the end.
I had my 15 minutes with Darrel.
March 03, 2000
Yesterday when Darrel brought me home, he promised a phone call or he
would stop by. I got neither. Of course I’m afraid that something has happened to him.
I’m expecting him here between 12 and 3.
If he doesn’t show up, I’ll cry.
God! I’m so ready to scream!
That godforsaken bitch of a wife that he has just makes me want to go out
and kill her…
I haven’t seen Darrel since March 2nd.
I have been in complete misery and such a deep depression.
That’s where the depression bit at the beginning of this story comes
in. I search the Internet and it
came back telling me that I was manic-depressive, suicidally depressed and
mentally unstable. I now realize
that I have been used.
As for Casey, well, everything between us was going great when Darrel and
I left for Louisiana. When I got
back, he was holding animosity towards me.
I just recently found out why. When
speaking to Casey a week ago, he told me that I abused his kindness and he
didn’t appreciate my trying to take Krystal from him and now he was taking
everything back. He told me to
forget he existed and to get rid of everything he and I had shared.
I have no idea where that all came from.
But oh well. I have one
thing to say to Casey. Go to hell
As for me now, I miss Darrel more and more everyday he is gone yet at the
same time, I wish I could kill him for using me the way he did.
Sometimes I still hope to see him pull up in my drive and he would whisk
me away to New Orleans again. I
can’t help but want him. Just
recently, I got a phone call from Ida’s best friend.
She told me that Darrel had used our sex for retaliation in an argument
that Darrel and Ida had. That was
the last straw. Of course, I denied
it to Julie (Ida’s friend). I
didn’t want a herd of cows coming after me. So this is what I planned to do;
if I ever see him again, the first thing I plan to do is knock him flat on his
ass and demand to know what he was thinking when he made promises he couldn’t
keep. There is more to how I feel
about this whole thing. I have been
pushed so far over the edge, I had even planned to murder the player and his
cow. They pissed me off and I think
they ought to pay for it. But at
the same time, I don’t want to hurt Darrel.
So, this is my life where I currently standing.
Don’t worry. I’m getting
professional help for the mental illnesses I have.
Until I am cured, watch for more Darrel and Ida hating poetry.
Now this is messy, huh?
* Authors note: To make this really clear, I did NOT leave James for Darrel. I was sick and tired of all the bullshit James was putting me through and decided to end it before I made the mistake of marrying him. No one likes to go through divorce. Right?