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Fortune in a Cookie
By Barbara Mather
Copyright 2001 Barbara Mather
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An
unexpected relationship will become permanent. The
message
from inside the fortune cookie stared me in
the
face and I stared back, first at the broken cookie
then
at the scroll type message within, and finally at
the
man seated opposite me on the table. Was it an
omen,
a premonition, or a warning for what lay ahead?
There
were so many thoughts cramped up in my head in
that
instant of a second that I was truly able to
appreciate
Bill Gates’ phrase, “the speed of
thought”.
It
was the first time that we were out together and he
looked
terribly handsome as he sat there chuckling at
what
his fortune cookie said, completely oblivious to
my
state of mind at the time. I’ve always been a
superstitious
person. I have a lucky pen, a money
plant
that I never dare to neglect, and a set routine
that
I never defer from. But treating a fortune cookie
as
a message from God was a bit much, even for me. For
the
moment I relegated the incident to the back of my
mind
and joined in his laughter.
As
we sat in his car in the parking lot just below my
apartment,
we chatted easily, neither of us wanting to
break
the momentum of a lovely evening by saying
goodbye.
I had the urge to lean over and kiss him on
his
cheek. I had the urge, but not the nerve. For all
technical
reasons it was not a date. We were just two
friends,
out to dinner and I had no intention of
spoiling
that.
By
the next afternoon, I knew I was falling in love,
because
I had completely lost my appetite and my
interest
in anyone or anything else. It had certainly
been
unexpected. Yet it was neither a relationship,
nor
did it have any chance of becoming permanent. What
struck
me with a jolt was that I wanted it to be.
It
was
probably the best time of my life - as falling in
love
always is. The smallest smile would give me the
biggest
thrill; a shy look would accelerate my
heartbeat;
and happiness was found in the smallest,
simplest
gestures. I was looking at the world through
rose
tinted glasses.
To
be honest, I really had no idea what he was
thinking.
But there was an undeniable chemistry,
visible
even to the most disinterested passer by. We
went
out several more times, after that but always
with
friends. I had developed a certain level of trust
and
comfort with him, and before I knew it, I was
telling
him my most intimate secrets. And he began to
reciprocate.
That was when the bombshell fell. He was
in
love with someone else. As he told me all about
her,
over the phone one night, it was time for me to
make
a quick decision. I knew that I would rather have
his
friendship than nothing at all, so I put my
feelings
aside and spoke to him as any friend would.
And
our friendship continued.
An
impromptu trip to Atlantic City changed all that.
We
were an eclectic group of five. The night was
young,
the lights breathtaking, and the spirits high.
I
was the only one winning on the tables and as he
lost
hundred after hundred, he seemed to become more
and
more charming. I stuck to him like araldite,
content
to just watch him enjoying himself, and join
in
the occasional hug whenever he won. Maybe it was
the
cool sea breeze on my face as we walked along the
boardwalk
after we’d lost all our money, or maybe it
was
the way he looked at me that night, but I knew
then
that there was no turning back for me.
It
took four glasses of rum and coke, for me to
collapse
into his arms and declare my undying love for
him.
In my inebriated state, it was a shock for me to
hear
his crisp response. “Shut up”, was all he said,
as
he proceeded to help me walk towards the room. He
seemed
neither angry nor surprised as he tenderly
tucked
me into bed while I continued rambling. The
next
day it was my turn to listen as he teased me and
narrated
some of the stuff I had said. Somehow, I
wasn’t
embarrassed and instead of laughing it off, I
chose
to admit my feelings. He acknowledged it, but
said
nothing.
Surprisingly,
there was no awkwardness between us, and
as
my feelings grew stronger, I noticed that he also
wasn’t
exactly lacking in affection. The problem now
was
that I wanted to know how he felt about me.
No,
let me rephrase that. I was dying to know how he
felt
about me. The tussle between the mind and the
heart
is one that the former rarely wins. Every time I
broached
the topic, he would avoid me. And I was
relentless.
In his endeavor to avoid my questions, he
soon
began to avoid me and before I knew it,
everything
had gone horribly wrong. For several months
I
continued to try and keep in touch with him, but to
no
avail.
“I’ll
call you back”, were the last words he said to
me.
As I put down the receiver, I knew by the number
of
times I’d heard that phrase before that it was
finally
time for me to walk away.
The
truth is that our loves, our relationships and our
desires
are all in our own mind and tend to remain as
temporary
or permanent as we allow them to be. For me,
his
memory, his touch, his smile, is etched forever in
my
mind. My relationship with him is the most
permanent
thing in my life. And that’s the way I want
it
to stay. I have no interest in getting over him or
moving
on or trying to find someone else, simply
because
my relationship with his memory continues.
Each
night that I go to bed, each morning that I wake
up,
he is right by my side. And I am still very much
in
love.
Well
maybe this wasn’t exactly what the fortune cookie
had
meant or planned it to be, but it’s prediction was
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