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Joey's Pasticceria
By Salmon
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When he answered the phone that morning, Joey was not in a good mood.
After he hung up, he was livid.
The phone conversation went something like this.
Joey : Hello, Joey’s.
Dom : Joey, this is Dom.
Joey : Busy Dom, what’s on your mind?
Dom : Hey, I wanted to thank you for the number.
Joey : Dom....I’m busy. Quit screwin’ around, will ya. What number?
Dom : The broad’s number, Joey. You know. I called her up. I’m supposed
to see her tomorrow night.
Joey : Dom, I ain't got time for this kind of shit. Whaddayah talkin’
about? What number?
Dom : Ok, Joey, Ok. Take it easy. It’s number I found with the biscotti
I bought. It had the broad’s name and that I should call her if I wanted
a hot time.
Joey : Are you out of your fucking mind? You found a number with the
biscotti you bought this morning? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?
Dom : Joey, would I call you just to bust your coglioni? I’m telling
you I found this piece of paper, you know, sorta like fortune cookie
paper, stickin’ to one of the biscotti. So help me. It said to call this
number for you know what.
Joey : I can’t believe this shit. Do me a favor, Dom. Come over here
right away with the paper. I want to see it. Capisce?
Dom : Sure, Joey, sure. I’m not shittin’ you, honest.
Joey : I believe you, Dom, I believe you. Just bring the paper over.
Got it? Bring it over. (hangs up)
He starts for the kitchen, the phone rings. Rose answers it.
Rose : Joey, it’s for you. It’s Mary M.
Joey : Madonna mia, what does she want? Yeah Mary?
Mary : Joey, I got somethin’ to say to you.
Joey : Mary, I’m busy. What’s the problem?
Mary : What’s the problem? I’ll tell you what’s the problem. It’s about
that piece of paper I found with the biscotti. You ought to be ashamed
of yourself.
Joey : Scusa, Mary. Are you havin’ hallucinations or sometin’?
Mary : Hallucinations, your ass, Joey. One of my kids found this note on
the biscotti. It had a woman’s name on it and telephone number. You
want me to tell what else? No? Filthy garbage, that’s what.
Joey : Whadditsay? Whadditsay?
Mary : Whadditsay? You know very well what was there. If I didn’t know
you all these years, Joey, so help me God, I’d report you to the police.
Joey : Mary, I swear to God I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.
Bring that paper here? I want to see it.
Mary : My kids, Joey. They knew what it meant.
Joey : Kinda young for that stuff, ain’t they, Mary? Bring it here and
I’ll bet it was those fortune cookies.
Mary : Oh, so you do know.
Joey : No, Mary I don’t know, I was just talking out loud. Just bring
the paper. I’ll explain everything when you get here. Hangs up.
Joey tries to put on a good face and takes care of a customer who comes
in. He rings up the sale when he hears the phone.
Joey : Rose, answer that phone. Rose, I said answer the phone.
Rose : They’re asking for you Joey.
Joey : Who is it? What do they want.?
Rose : He won’t say, Joey.
Joey : Tell him to wait a minute. I’ll come as soon as I’m finished with
this customer.
Rose : Puts the phone on the stand, walks away.
Joey : Picks up the phone. Whatdayawant, this is Joey.
Man : Look, I’ll tell you what I want. Last night I bought some
biscotti at your place. My wife and me were having a few with our coffee
this morning when she found this piece of paper. It had a lady’s name
and telephone number on it. Now, I ain’t no angel but what was written
on this paper was dirty. What kinda place you runnin’? I’m asking you.
What kinda place you runnin’?
Joey : Jesus. Look. Believe me. I don’t know what’s goin’ on. Somebody’s
trying to sabotage me. I’m goin’ crazy. Do me a favor. Come here right
away with that piece of paper. Tell you what. To make it worthwhile
suppose I give you a nice assortment of pastry, won’t cost you a cent.
How’s that?
Man : I’ll do you the favor this time but it better be a good
assortment or you’ll hear about it.
Joey : Just come.
Joey :This is crazy. Some prick is trying to put me out of business.
It’s gotta start in the back. That’s for sure. One of those pricks is
putting those notes on the pastry while they’re baking ‘em. We’ll see
about that.
Rushes into the back room like a mad man.
Joey: Rose, get out of here and and take care of the customers up front.
Joey : (to the three bakers) Stop workin’. I said stop workin’ and
listen to me. One of you guys is putting these fortune cookie messages
on the pastry. Only they ain’t fortune cookies. They got broads’ names
and telephone numbers on ‘em and if you’re thick it tells you what
you’ll get if you call. You trying to ruin me? Is that what you’re
trying to do, ruin me? Is that it?
Forget it. It’s not going to happen. The Romans had a good answer for
things like this. When the army screwed up and something went wrong they
lined everybody up and counted off. Every tenth guy got it. There are
only three of you, not ten, but one of you is going to get it. Chico,
did you put those fucking Chinese papers on the goods?
Chico : Senor, I don’t know from nothin’. I got a wife and kids. I
do that? You think I’m loco, or somethin’?
Joey : Sam, you’re a piasan. It’s not you, is it?
Sam : Joey, I swear on my mother’s grave...
Joey : Forget it, Sam, I didn’t think it was you. Joey :Billy, you’re the
only one here that’s not a catholic. I’m thinking it’s you, Billy.
Right?
Billy :Wrong, Joey. When I got out you gave me this job. I’d be
nuts to give you trouble.
Joey : Well, I see you all got alibis. But one of you is a rat, and I’m
goin’ find out who it is. I’ll give you an hour to figure it out . When
I come back, two of you is goin’ tell me who the rat is, or else. You
understand? He leaves. Slams the door behind him.
There is the sound of a scuffle, shouting, yelling, accusations,
banging of pots. Joey is unperturbed. Rose is nervous.
Rose : What did you tell them Joey?
Joey : Rose, whaddayah think I’m some kinda moron? You was probably
behind the door listening with your ears wide open.
Rose : No, Joey. I swear I didn’t hear nothin’.
Joey : Sure, didn’t hear nothin’. Don’t make me laugh.
Rose : I’m not trying to make you laugh, Joey.
Joey : You know, Rose, you been acting kinda funny lately. Yeh, kinda
funny.
Rose : : Whadayahmean?
Joey : Just funny, that’s what I mean. What’s eatin’ you?
Rose : I got to talk to you, Joey.
Joey : What are we doin’ besides talkin,’ Rose?
Rose : It’s important.
Joey : It better be. Can’t you see I got troubles up the..never mind?
Rose :It’s about those notes.
Joey : What about those notes, Rose? Tell me, what about those notes?
Rose : I put them in the biscotti.
Joey : Madonna mia. You put those notes in the biscotti. You put those
notes in my pastry?
Rose : Yeah, Joey, it was me.
Joey : Are you out of you mind? Whydyadoit?
Rose : You remember Joey. Anthony died eight months ago. He wasn’t the
best and had a mind like a toilet, but I loved him. Last week I was
going through his clothes before giving them to the Salvation Army when
I found this little address book all worn out. When I looked inside I
could have cried. It had names and numbers of women he’d been seeing all
these years.
Joey : Jesus, I can’t believe it.
Rose :What made me cry was the things he said about them. Some were
good, some were bad. Givin’ grades, just like a school teacher. He broke
my heart from the grave, Joey. Can you beat that? From the grave?
Joey : This is too much. Ha. He was always acting like he was so much
better than anybody else, with his nose in the air and it turns out Tony
was nothin’ but a sneak.
Rose : He’s dead Joey, can’t you show some respect.
Joey : You must be kiddin’ Rose
Rose : I thought I’d get back at all those women so I put their
telephone numbers on the biscotti hoping the people would call and
there’d be trouble. Maybe they were married too. That’s even better. But
everything went wrong. It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to.
Joey : Rose, I ought to kill you, you could have put me out of busines.
How long have you been doing this? When did you start? What else have
you done?
Rose : Joey, I only started yesterday. Just six of those papers. But I
forgot which biscotti I put them in and everything went wrong. That’s
all Joey, just six.
Joey : You telling me the truth, Rose? If you ain’t you’re in for big
trouble.
Rose : I swear on St. Theresa, Joey, only six. I’ll throw the other ones
away.
Joey : You better. You know what I should do, don’t you Rose? I should
kick your ass and throw you out of here, head first. But I’m thinking of
doing something else. I’m going to give you another chance, especially
because Tony was such a rat.
Rose : Oh, thanks, Joey.
Joey ; Yeah, I’m going to give you another chance, but only on one
condition, Rose. One condition only. Got it?
Rose : Sure, Joey, sure. What is it, Joey, I’ll do anything.
Joey : You still got that book?
copywright Salmon 2002
