Kylie's eyes fluttered open as the knocks
on her door got louder.
She yelled, in no mood for company and in
no mood to wake up just yet.
Carol walked in with a big smile, over to
her daughters bed.
"Hun, it's 12:30 in the afternoon, The
Greens are here, remember we invited them for lunch?"
"I'm not ready to get up."
Kylie said, shifting her blankets from
underneath her mother. Carol watched her little girl dozing back off to sleep.
She got up, shut the door and sat on Kylies bed again.
"Kylie sit up, please?"
"Mom I'm tired..."
"Kylie I need to speak to you."
She said firmly, cutting her daughter off
before she made excuses. Kylie looked at her mother then sat up with an
aggravated moan. Carol watched her reach to her night stand, grab her
cigarettes then light one up.
"Just so you know ma, dad and I had a heart
to heart last night, so just tell Frank and Mary that I'm sorry, ok?"
Carol inhaled, then shook her head
leaving her daughter looking at her in disbelief.
"I am so worried about you Kylie. You never
talk to us anymore, you never go out with your friends anymore and you ignore
their calls. The way you lashed out at Sarah the other day when she was only
trying to help."
"That's the point mom."
Kylie said, flicking her ashes.
"I don't need help, and I don't want
comfort or sympathy. You think it's only me? Well, it's you too, all
"What are you talking about?"
"All of you have changed too, you all look
at me like you feel so sorry for me. Everyone tries to talk about something
else but their all thinking the same thing. So don't lay that bullshit on me,
if everyone wants to help me then just leave me alone, that's all I want."
Kylie put her cigarette out and went to
lie back down but Carol stopped her.
"Kylie Theresa Machelli, you can not keep
turning away! No one is looking at you differently, it's all in your head. You
make excuses to push everyone away and I am tired of it."
Kylie tried pulling her arm away but her
mother's grip was to strong, her anger was too fierce.
"Your father told me about last night and
your words, your, your thoughtlessness killed him. You are right Kylie, nobody
knows what you're going through, but that's only because you won't let us back
in. I know you're hurt, we all are, whether you believe it or not."
"Mom you're hurting my arm, let go of my
Kylie kept fighting her crying and
hysterical mother but her sadness brought on such a great strength.
"You cannot live like this Kylie, and we
can't either. I am your mother and you have to listen to me, please? Please
Kylie finally pulled her free arm out, and
raised it not even realizing her fist was tightly clenched.
She looked past her mother and saw Mary at
the door way. Kylie gulped softly, stared at her mother then lowered his fist
"Carol, come here."
Her mother walked over to Mary and they
hugged as she wept on her shoulder.
"Oh, I just don't know what to do, I don't
know what to do."
Carol cried out softly as Mary comforted
her then whispered something in her ear. Kylies mother nodded then walked to
the door but turned around to give her daughter just one more look.
She stopped when her daughter looked down,
but cried alittle harder. She gave Mary a glance then left the room shutting
the door behind her.
Kylies pulse was racing, her blood ran
hot through her. She looked at her shaking hands then looked up at mary.
"Oh God Mary, what's wrong with me?"
"Nothing, nothing is wrong with you."
Mrs. Green said sitting beside her and holding Kylies hands warmly in her own
"These last few months have been terrible
and everybody deals with matters in their own way. Frank works twice as much
now, I keep myself busy around the house and yard. Your mother, her way of
coping is to try to make everything go back to normal, try to put everything
back in place."
"Yeah, like he never existed."
"No, Kylie that's not true. Your mother
loved Drew very much, this is just the way that she deals with pain and
there's nothing wrong with it. Just like there is nothing wrong with you for
locking yourself away alone and bottling it all in."
"Well, tell her that."
Mary brushed the hair off Kylies face and
rubbed her cheek softly.
"The problem is Ky, you and your mothers
way of dealing are the complete opposite. While she is trying to move on to
the future, your hiding in the past and when your paths meet the worst of you
both comes out, but you two will get past it."
"I understand that you want to keep it all
in Kylie but don't let that bottle get to full. One day it's going to break,
and it might be to much to handle."
Kylie nodded then took hold of Marys hand
again. She couldn't be bitter towards Mary, the only one who loved Drew as
much or more then she was his mother. Mary is like Kylies other mother. Kylie
couldn't be distant to her, she knew Mary felt the same pain over the loss of
"I wish I was with Drew, that's all that I
"No, no Kylie don't say that."
Kylie felt her lip whimpering but still
felt no tears in her eyes.
"People keep saying how terrible things
must be for me now, that I must have nightmares about that night."
"And I do, I do have nightmares but not
about Timothy, like they think."
Both of Marys hands were in Kylies, and she
just looked at Mrs. Green like she was ready to empty alittle of the bottle.
"I think I knew Mary, I think I knew that
Drew was going to die. I felt a soft breeze that night right before he left
and I just felt it, I felt something that I couldn't understand completely.
Then I let him leave, I let him go anyway."
"Kylie, you couldn't have known."
"But I did, it was like someone whispering
to me but not loud enough, and then I just stored it away and forgot about
Kylie took her hands back and rubbed her
head, it felt like the beginning of a migraine, terrible kicking and screaming
in her head.
"I close my eyes most nights and I hear
knocking at the front door, it was so late I got scared. I was waiting up for
Drew, and I just thought why doesn't he use his key?"
She looked down again.
"I can still see those cops faces and hear
their voices. They woke up my parents because I turned really pale and went
speechless, but it wasn't over the news they gave. I don't even think I've
really listened to that fact, it was because I just thought to myself what did
I do? Why did I let him go?"
Kylie lit another cigarette, still
avoiding Mary's eyes.
"I'll never forget that night."
Mary said softly and then Kylie looked at
"Oh Mary, I am so sorry."
She pulled her close and held her warmly.
She could feel Mary's tears soaking her shirt.
"Please Kylie, don't ever blame yourself."
She looked at Kylie and held her face
softly, maintaining eye contact.
"Try with your parents and Sarah, try for
them, try for me. It may not feel like it now but you will need them again
Kylie, you will."
Only fifteen minutes later the two made
their way down stairs and in to the kitchen. Carol and Kylies eyes met, but
neither stayed very long.
"Hey there Frank."
"How are you Kylie?"
Kylie said softly while giving Mr. Green a
hug. All through lunch there was an obvious discomfort and many awkward
moments of silence. As The Greens were leaving Kylie held her mother for a
moment, as if to say she was sorry, in her own way. Kylie then made her way
back upstairs, to take away any chance of another conversation.
Kylie just kept thinking of Marys heart
and drew would want Kylie to try and heal it. Drew was Marys miracle, they
always told her that she could never bare children. They tried everything but
then one day it just happened. Mary held on to Drew with all her warmth and
Kylie went into the bathroom and took a
long hot shower. She did this in peace and didn't allow a single thought to
cross through her mind. When she got out she put on big gray sweatpants and a
black tank top. Kylie brushed her long light brown hair and put it up in a
ponytail, just so it was out of the way.
After she tucked herself away again in
the guest room. She went through her cd's and picked up Insane Clown Posse's,
The Great Milenko. She listened to a few tracks before she played track eight
"Under the Moon". The chorus seemed to be playing only for her this time, she
never felt this overwhelmed with a feeling since the last night with Drew.
I'll forever love you even if we're doomed, we'll always be together cause
we're both under the moon.
"Under the moon."
Kylie whispered to herself.
That's when she knew what she had to do.
She had to go into her room that night, when the sky was black and the moon
would be full. It was like she finally felt it, the time when things must get
put to rest. Inside was telling her that tonight Drew would be standing beside
her, under the moon. Don't think of that now, Kylie told herself.
Kylie turned on her computer and signed
on to the Internet.
"You've got mail."
Kylie mumbled sarcasticly.
"Junk, junk, junk ,junk..."
Then she opened one from DeadMessiah, which
was Davons screen name.
I just saw you on the news,
congratulations, I'm really happy for you. Well, I'm gonna be on later if you
want to talk.
Kylie smiled to herself. Even though she
had known Sarah for so much longer, Davon wa her bestfriend. It was more then
just music, even though she never met him she felt completely comfortable. She
felt as if she could confide in him but it wasn't just that either. Kylie
respected Davon in a great way, she relied on him in a way too. Their whole
friendship was very hard to explain, no matter what words were used they never
seemed to fit. That's why Kylie didn't discuss Davon with anybody, it was like
her own special secret.
Now she wished that he would sign on so
she could talk to him till her quest takes place.
The hours passed and Kylie had done
everything within them. She listened to music, watched television, finished
reading a book, played Game Gear and paced her room. She looked out the window
and the full moon was brighter then she'd ever seen it. Kylie exhaled then
glanced at her clock, 11:46 P.M. She promised herself it would be that night
and in fourteen minutes it would be tomorrow. Kylie gave Riggs a little glance
then made her way to the hallway, closing the door behind her. Kylie made her
way to that poster and started to peel off the tape on every corner. There she
stood with the poster in her hand, the door now pure whit again.
Kylie put her hand to the knob again and
began to turn. There were butterflies swarming in her stomach, the taste of
vomit covered her throat and the lump of fear was to big to swallow. Her door
creaked open but just a crack. The room was pitch black and Kylie slid her
hand in to flick the switch on the wall. Kylie was looking the other way, then
she turned slowly as she pushed the door open. She took a step in, her breath
heavy as she looked around. Finally, she was in and she shut the door behind
The posters he drew taped to the walls.
Kylie loves Drew, Drew loves Kylie, I love you forever and the ones
she made him draw about psychopathic. Then their were a variety of posters
hanging everywhere. There was Insane Clown Posse, Twiztid, Blaze, KottonMouth
Kings, Dr. Dre, Snoop, Rage against the Machine, Chester from Linkin Park,
Linkin Park and a autographed Eminem poster. Drew went to the Up in Smoke tour
and got him to sign it.
Kylie ran to the guest room and dragged a
huge box through the hall. It was heavy but she was determined, soon enough
she was back in her room with the door shut and locked.
"I'm gonna put all your stuff in here Drew,
my memory box."
Kylie went through the drawers pulling
out his pants, boxers, shirts, sweaters and socks. Then she went to the closet
to pull down his stuff and pack his shoes. There were nine photo albums and
what seemed like a million pictures framed or taped up, all around the room.
Kylie just kept grabbing them, trying not to even look at one. All of his
hats, colonges, vitamins, drawings, shaver, movies, cd's, tapes and letters
soon made there way to the box.
A letter fell on the floor and Kylie sat
on her bed to just read this one. She smelled Drew, it was all over the
blankets, sheets and pillows. Kylie ripped them all of and stuffed them into
the box as well. She went to sit back down then stopped herself. This was the
last place they made love, the last place that he slept.
Kylie sat in the corner, the one she used
to sit in when she missed Drew before he moved in. Kylie died out the
cigarette which was pretty much ashed out anyway.
It's our three year anniversary
today, I hope you like that necklace and that card, I hate card shopping. I
can't believe it's been three years and your still my baby girl. I'm in study
hall right now and I miss you so much.
There's only two classes left before
the end ofthe day but I'll see you in the hall before that, then we can go
home. Home, isn't that crazy? One day we'll be on our own, in our own place.
We'll start off with a sweet little apartment, then we'll save and save and
save some more. Eventually we'll buy a house, not like a mansion but a fairly
big house with a huge yard out in the country somewhere.
What state do you want to live in? I
was thinking of Minnesota. My cousin lived up there, he said it's really nice
and that in some places you can buy alot of land for a reasonable price. I
don't know, what do you think?
Anyway, about our future, since your
always asking, I'll finally tell you. In our yard, our huge yard they'll be
two pools. One pool is gonna be real big, the shallow side will be seven feet
and the deep side will be thirteen. That is for us and our friends, and
families when they visit. In this pool, they'll be a jacuzzi, sweet right?
The second pool is a few feet away
from the big one. The shallow end is two feet and the deep side is like four
or five feet. That's for the kids, our cousins, our friends kids, actually no,
they'll be grown up by then. It's for our kids, we're gonna have tons of kids,
like twelve or thirteen. I just hope they all look like you. We'll have a huge
playset too, it'll be like a fuckin park in our yard.
We'll save and save so you can
decorate the inside of our house, cause I know you want to. God babe, I can
see our future so clear. Your my everything. If I never met you, I'd still
just be another piece of shit that wouldn't know fuck about even tomorrow. I
love you so much boo. You are my only guarantee, my only forever and always.
As long as I have you I know I'm set for life.
Babe I'm just telling you this now,
I'm getting into a fight today. I know that I promised to stay out of trouble
but Robby Downs is pissing me off. I hate that kid, I hate this school, I hate
this town, I hate this state! Don't get me wrong, when we leave I'm gonna miss
my family, your family, and our friends except Natasha (sorry). I just want to
leave, I just want to get out of here. I love you so much, did I mention that?
Ijust do, so much that I can't say it enough times.
I mean we were so young when we
started, I mean we're still young but I can see us seventy five years old,
sitting on our porch swing. It's scary to think of us that old though, ya know
what I mean? I just hope I die first. I used to wish that you and I would grow
old and die together but I want you to out live me. The thought of you dieing
scares me so much. If you died tomorrow I would kill myself, that's my word.
What do you think our children will
look like? I never wondered about this stuff before, not until you. You
changed my mind about the world, you changed my heart and my whole aspect on
life. Some of my boys think you fucked me up, they think I should still be in
the game. You know, mackin it with a shit load of girls, partying, and more
time chillin with my boys. And don't bother asking which boys say this cause I
know some of your girls think that you can do better. But I wouldn't change
what we have for anything. Nothing.
Seeing my boys at school and Thursday
nights is enough. I mean they're always my boys but I'd never put them before
you or hold them higher. I love you, I love you, I love you. Well, I'll see
you in awhile and I'll give you this. I have to cut this now because bells
about to ring.
Kylie folded the letter back up and put
it right beside her on the floor. The light flickered and then was out. Kylie
remained in the corner, only the moon light beaming on her from the window.
"I'm still here...under the moon."
Kylie inhaled, looking around.
"I'm still here...under the moon."
Kylie whispered out.
Kylie went to stand until a glittering
light started to form a few feet in front of her. She fell back to the ground
with a double thud, her butt hitting the floor and her head hitting the wall.
The glitter was circulating around within
the light and Kylie just stared at it, half in awe, half in fear.
Bill yelled, shaking the knob, trying to
"Kylie! Kylie let us in!"
Now both her parents were at the door,
yelling her name and thinking the worst.
Was all that she could manage out to her
parents, not taking her eyes off the light for a second. A shape was beginning
to form in the light, and then within it she saw eyes.
She said softly, ignoring her parents
screaming and pounding on the door.
"Go away! I'm fine, just go away!"
Slowly a hand was seen, reaching towards
her, palm side up. She dragged herself up against the wall. The person still
taking form but almost complete. She took a little step forward.
"Can I go with you now?"
She said softly. Kylie took another small
step and reached her hand out. She closed her eyes, the light was so bright it
was blinding. Another step, she told herself, and our fingers will
"Kylie what is going on?"
Kylie turned fast to see her parents in the
doorway.She turned back quickly but the only light on was the one in her room.
Her mouth half open, just staring at the spot where Drew had just been.
"Oh Kylie, your bleeding."
Her mother said, looking at the back of
"I decided to come in and pack Drews things
Kylie gave a quick glance around the room,
to see if a sliver of the glitter or light had survived.
"I um, I just put the last thing in the box
and I, I..."
She faked a small smile and looked back to
the small spot of blood on the wall.
"I tripped over my own foot and just hit my
"Let's go get some ice on that sweetie, it
doesn't look deep enough for stitches."
"Can I just have one minute alone? I'll be
Carol looked into her daughters face and
"Yes. I just want you to know that I'm very
proud of you Kylie, I really am."
Kylie nodded, then gave her parents each a
soft kiss as they left shutting the door behind them.
"Okay, come back, come back now please?"
A scent breezed across the room, it was Gio,
"Please come back Drew, baby come back."
Kylie sat back in the corner for ten
minutes waiting for the light in her room to go out again. She knew that she
was given a second chance to say good bye and that was the last chance she
had. It was within the next second a terrible pain hit her heart.
Drews gone, he's never coming back. It
was like a light clicked on in her head and the truth appeared from that
abandoned darkness. There was never going to be another kiss, anniversary,
another moment in his arms, another day, not even another second. Kylie felt
the lump of sadness getting bigger in her throat, so much it hurt. She felt
herself panting, but it didn't feel like she was breathing. That's what it
was. Ever since Drew died, Kylie somewhere deep inside knew she'd have another
moment and now she didn't feel it. Her eyes watered up as the last years of
memories, from their first to their last, flashed before her. He's really
never coming back.
Kylie gasped, putting her hand to her
mouth. She stood for a second but got to dizzy and fell to her knees. She
leaned over as vomit snuck up on her, through her fingers and landing on the
floor in front of her. She gagged alittle as more came up. Kylie crawled
around it slowly and then out to the hall. She could hear her parents in the
kitchen downstairs. Kylie opened the bathroom door quietly, crawled in and
locked the door behind her.
"Hey babe, can you come here? Do you know
where my Hilfiger pants are?"
That was the last thing he yelled from this
bathroom, right before he left and never returned, until tonight. She could
hear his voice crystal clear, like she was back on that day.
She got to her feet and opened the
medicine cabinet. She looked at all the containers. There were all of Drews
old perscriptions, Kylies medications, Carols medications, boxes of headache,
migraine, flu and sleeping pills.
"I've got love for my homies, members of
the Lotus, united we stand squashing all deadly forces."
Kylie spoke the lyrics rather then sing
them. Then she took a bunch of pills and swallowed them down with sink water.
"Been to hell could've spent an eternity
there, all the bad shit I've done I should still be there. Juggalos can you
feel me, world wide, running with the hatchet straight out the lotus pod."
She gulped quite a few more down. Kylie
exhaled, then looked into the mirror.
"Always got your back till the end,
screaming juggalo, Dark Lotus, Psychopathic that's the way it goes."
Then there was more pills, it was this,
over and over again. Kylie began to feel nausious and was almost through, when
she decided to end it all quicker. She opened the cabinet under the sink and
pulled out some blue cleaner. Kylie stared at it until everything went blurry.
She took the cap off and gulped the cleaner. Her eyes opened alittle, leaving
"What are you talking about?"
She whispered, then shook her head.
"No, not me."
Kylie put the cleaner bottle back to her
lips, then everything went black and she hit the floor.
Kylies eyes fluttered open to only be
blinded by a bright light.
"Kylie, baby? Are you okay?"
She looked to the side to see her parents
and realized she was in the hospital. Kylie looked up at the ceiling and said
nothing. Her head was cloudy, her throat and stomach were sore. I should've
done it sitting down, she told herself, it wouldn't have made such a noise.
"Oh Kylie, why? Why did you do this to
"I'm sorry to interupt..."
Kylie looked to the door to see an older
doctor, then continued to stare at the ceiling.
"You gave everyone quite a scare. You had a
concusion, your parents told me you bumped your head on the wall, and then on
the floor. We didn't have to shave any of your hair but you have five stitches
in the back, you'll be coming back in a few weeks to get them out. We also had
to pump your stomach so you might be sore for a few days."
He said while checking her blood pressure,
then lifted her head to check on the stitches.
"How are you feeling Ms. Machelli?"
Kylie said nothing.
"I'm going to keep her here over night,
then tomorrow afternoon she'll be good to go."
Her mother nodded staring at her daughter
as Bill shook the doctors hand. The doctor left and a short time later her
father went to get something to eat.
The room seemed to get even more quiet.
Kylie could see her mother wanted to say words, but watched her fight for the
right ones. At this moment, right words were probably impossible.
Kylie glanced at the clock on the wall, it
was 11:30 A.M. The sun was out and beaming through the window.
"Kylie... oh honey, your crying."
She hadn't even realized the tears were
"He's gone mom."
Kylie whimpered out.
"He's really gone. He's, he's not coming
Carol went to comfort her daughter but
Kylie put her hands up.
"No, no, no, I don't wanna be touched.
Don't touch me, I don't want it, I don't need it."
Kylie felt the tears and the sadness that
she held deep inside for so long, just river out. She could hear herself
breathing heavily but it didn't feel like she was breathing at all.
"Oh God mom! Why? Why Drew? Why, I just
don't understand, it doesn't make sense."
Carol put her hands to her face, watching
her daughter finally let the sorrow flow.
"M..mom, it hurts, it hurts so much inside.
Why do people like him die? Why are people like Timothy Perry born?"
"I don't know baby, I don't know."
There in that hospital bed Kylie cried.
She released them like this was her only chance to cry. Her mother just sat
beside her, holding her hand warmly. Within the million tears shed, a piece of
her let go.
July 18, 2002
Kylie walked into the house, her parents
carried her things behind her.
"Hun, where do you want me to put your
"In my room, thanks dad."
Bill smiled at his daughter then made his
"Sarah called before we left, she wants to
come over and see you. I told her to wait and see how you felt."
"I'm not really up for company today, if
she calls tell her we can meet for lunch tomorrow, if she wants."
Carol kissed Kylies forehead, then went to
the kitchen to make dinner.
Kylie shut her bedroom door behind her.
Her parents bought her a new bed set and made it up for her. They brought her
c.d player and put it right next to her bed. Kylie slept with the music loud
right beside her. She went into the guest room to get all her Psychopathic
posters, clothes, notebooks, pens, computer and everything else she brought
in. She spent the next few hours organizing her room, so that it all looked
and felt alittle newer.
DeadMessiah how are you?
All4Shags2Dope ok, you?
DeadMessiah I've seen you alot on the news
All4Shags2Dope yeah, I know
DeadMessiah did you get out of the
DeadMessiah I'm sorry that this all
happened to you
Kylie smiled, some how she knew that he
meant it and that comforted her.
All4Shags2Dope so, what's new with you?
DeadMessiah nothin much
All4Shags2Dope How's college going?
DeadMessiah pretty good, I hate 2 classes
but other then that, it's ok.
DeadMessiah how is everything with you?
All4Shags2Dope I'm alittle tired, but
DeadMessiah why did you try to kill
yourself? I thought you'd be alittle happier since you were found not guilty
All4Shags2Dope It's hard to explain
DeadMessiah can you try?
Kylie stared at the words for a moment.
She put her fingers to the keyboard but didn't know what to type.
DeadMessiah are you there?
All4Shags2Dope I really don't know how to
explain, I wish I did have the right words
All4Shags2Dope it's like, that night was
the first time i realized Drew is really gone for good. I mean, I knew it I
just couldn't grasp it
DeadMessiah you still miss him alot, huh?
All4Shags2Dope more each day
DeadMessiah I'm really sorry
DeadMessiah if there is anything that I
can do, just let me know
All4Shags2Dope thanks, I'll keep that in
All4Shags2Dope I'm gonna go eat, will you
be on later? I really want to talk to you more
DeadMessiah I'll make you a deal...
DeadMessiah I'll be on if you will answer
a few questions, and if you wanna know anything I'll answer you as well. But I
want us to be serious, we haven't had one of those talks in along time.
Kylie smiled again.
All4Shags2Dope it's a deal
DeadMessiah alright, then I'll talk to you
Kylie went downstairs, she saw her father
sleeping on the couch and pulled the blankets over him. She knelt beside him.
She whispered very softly, her father
remained sleeping soundly.
"I'm still here dad, I'm still here."
Her lip whimpered, and she looked down.
"It's just really deep."
She looked up to see her mother only a
feet away. Kylie wiped her eyes and smiled. The two went into the kitchen and
Carol made two hot cups of French Vanilla Cafe.
Kylie blew in the cup lightly then took a
"Kylie, I don't mean to be nosy. I went
into your room before to drop off some clothes, you were smiling at the
Carol stopped as Kylie took another sip,
looking away nervously.
"I'm only asking because it's been such a
long time since I've seen you smile, I mean a real smile. I was just wondering
what brought you happiness."
Kylie looked into her mothers eyes. Carol
took her daughters hand and gave her a warm smile, which Kylie returned.
"It's just my friend, that I've talked to
for awhile now. He just makes me, I don't know, believe in something."
Kylie shrugged, smiling, she felt her
cheeks turning pink.
"I know it may sound alittle cruel, but
he's really my bestfriend. I mean I love Sarah, she's like my sister but it's
like, I have more trust in Davon then I do in myself."
"I'm very happy that you have someone like
that Kylie, everybody deserves one."
"Mom, tomorrow or the next day, can I take
the car to the cemetery?"
"Of course you can."
A short time later Kylie stood and kissed
her mothers forehead.
"Good night mom."
"Good night hun."
Carol said washing out a few dishes.
Kylie got to the doorway and turned around
and looked at her mother.