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St. Nick's Outlaws

By Jim Colombo


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Copyright 2001 Jim Colombo


Chapter 16


Easter vacation was too short. When Jim returned to school Brother Justin told


the students in homeroom that Brother Joseph had fallen in the shower and broken his


arm.  Brother Joseph needed time to mend.  Brother Justin introduced Brother Timothy to


the class, "Brother Timothy will replace Brother Joseph for the balance of the semester."


Brother Timothy was a slight man who fluttered when he talked or walked. Most of the


guys thought that Brother Timmy was queer, hence Brother Butterfly. By lunch time most


of the student body knew that Brother Burgundy had broken his arm while taking a shower


prior to attending six o’clock mass at St. Mary's Cathedral. Brother Justin had posted a


memo on the bulletin board that Brother Joseph had slipped on a bar of soap.


A week later Ted Gannon’s father, Foxie, who patrolled the Tenderloin district, told


his son the true story. Brother Burgundy frequently went to a bar in the Tenderloin district


of San Francisco called "The Blue Note," where he had established himself as an English


teacher at Lowell High School in the city. Everyone at the Blue Note knew him as Joe.  He


was a hell of a guy with a great sense of humor. He liked to buy the ladies drinks, and was


a pretty good dancer. There were times when Joe would run up a tab but on the first of


every month Joe paid in full. The night before Easter Joe was drunk and fell off a barstool. 


He embarrassed himself in front of the ladies and decided it was time to go home to the


rectory. While staggering back to St. Nick's, he swayed and fell down a stairway to a


basement apartment.  He laid there for a while, then painfully crawled to the top of the


stairs to street level. A patrol car was passing by and saw someone either drunk or hurt, so


they stopped. The two policemen helped Brother Joseph up and smelled beer on his


breath.  Joe had difficulty talking and mumbled that he was okay. One of the cops grabbed


Joe’s arm trying to help him maintain his balance while he tried to find his wallet. Joe’s arm


was broken above the elbow and he yelled in pain. The cops took Joe to the emergency at


St. Mary's Hospital. There they discovered that Joe was a Christian Brother.  One of the


cops had graduated from Saint Ignatius and was embarrassed that on the night before


Easter Sunday a man of God was found drunk in a stairway in the Tenderloin. Brother


Joseph was not charged with drunken disorderly and the hospital did not bill the


Christian Brothers for the care given. The next Monday morning Brother Joseph left for a


retreat in the Imperial Valley about 50 miles from anything resembling civilization. It was


run by the Christian Bothers to help fellow Brothers who had fallen into sin and out of


control as servants of God. 


The guys in 10C had graduated from a drunk as their homeroom brother and


religion teacher to a queer. If Brother Butterfly liked you, he would flutter his eyelashes


at you by quickly blinking them, giving what the lads called butterfly kisses. Some of the


guys quickly discovered how easy it was to earn an A in religion. If a student teased and


allowed Brother Tim put his arm around the student, or better yet flirt like Steinway, then


Brother Tim went off like a rocket. The students sometimes wondered how far Steinway


would go to tease Brother Tim and light his fire. Jim followed Steinway’s lead and got


an easy A.  It was easier than bribing Moonface with chocolate fudge cookies for a B-


grade in religion class as a freshman. It amazed Jim to listen to Brother Butterfly quote


chapter and verse from the Bible in religion class, while flirting with Steinway who sat in the


front. The day of the student’s first exam a rose in a white vase mysteriously appeared on


Brother Tim's desk. No one knew where it came from, and it filled Brother Tim's day with


joy. He was in rare form that day, bubbling about what a thoughtful gesture to leave a rose.


He asked twice who was responsible for the kind gift. All of the guys thought it was


Steinway, but he denied it. Brother Tim fluttered around the room like a honeybee from


flower to flower, his feet never touching the ground. Six weeks later it was time for the


students second exam. As they walked into class, there was a long stem red rose in


white vase. Well, Brother Tim could not restrain himself. He almost began to cry. Steinway


still denied that he was giving Brother Tim the rose, but most of the guys believed it was


him, because of what he had done to Mr. McTee.  Whoever was leaving the rose had


to get to class very early.  The only person at school that early was Casmir the janitor.


Casmir was a freedom fighter in Hungary in 1957. The Russians came with tanks


and soldiers, and crushed their attempt for freedom.  He had to flee Hungary. Catholic


Charities sponsored him to come to America. He was a man in his forties who had never


married.  Casmir had worked at St. Nick's for five years. He was a friendly man who spoke


broken English. Jim spent some time with Casmir helping him with pronunciation. In return


Casmir would let Jim use the weight room on weekends. Jim asked one day if he had seen


someone come early on the day of the test. Casmir nodded and smiled. Jim asked if it was


Steinway and Casmir shook his head. Jim looked surprised and Casmir smiled again.


Casmir explained that the mysterious person was Brother Patrick, the literature and


speech teacher. Jim could see another easy A coming. He thanked Casmir and told him


that he would spend more time helping Casmir learn English. If Brother Justin found out


about Brother Timothy and Brother Patrick, they would be sent to the same retreat where


Bother Joseph resided.  Giving the rose on the day of a test gave the appearance that the


mystery donor was a student. What would happen if a second rose was offered alongside


of Brother Patrick's rose for the final exam?  Brother Tim would come to class and there


would be two gestures of kindness. What would Brother Patrick think when he passed


Brother Tim's classroom and saw two roses? The idea was tempting. Jim had learned


when playing poker that it was skill, not luck.  Brother Patrick was a hand that Jim had to


play cautiously and discretely.








This was that special year when the lads turned 16 and would get their driver's


licenses. Gary was the first one to get his license. He was so nervous that during his


driving test he stopped at the first two green lights. Lonnie had finished his month of


shame with Gina and wanted to get back in the saddle. He needed to reaffirm his


manhood. Gary teased Lonnie if he had forgotten how to do it. Lonnie and Gary were from


Louisiana and wanted to carry on as rowdy rebels in the fine tradition of hicks. They would


say po' leese or see’-ment. There was no way to understand the words all and oil, because


there were pronounced the same way. They thought that their accent was charming, but


Jim thought they made fools of themselves every time they spoke. Lonnie convinced Gary


to borrowing his father 's station wagon one Saturday night to cruise to Hayward on the


other side of the San Francisco Bay.  Any city or town outside of San Francisco was


considered the country or a hick town. The lads had heard that in Hayward or Fremont the


girls were very adventurous, fun loving, and easy to pick up. The lads crossed the Bay


Bridge, turned right at Oakland and proceeded south to Hayward. Gary turned off at


Mission Boulevard. The lads began cruising for chicks. The car radio was playing “Hey!


Baby” by Bruce Chennel and “Johnny Angel” by Shelley Fabares.  Suddenly, range, mark:


2,000 yards, bearing 0270, identify: two foxes on the starboard side, battle stations, open


torpedo doors. Two bimbos were spotted standing in front of a liquor store. The friendly


natives waved at the lads, offering a welcome port. The lads quickly came about and


docked by the locals. One of the foxes approached the car to greet the lads. She leaned


over by the window and showed her qualifications, rather large qualifications. A pair of D


size tits held hostage in a tight sweater that hung to her waist.


"Hey there darlin'. You boys from around here?" said the queen of the welcome




"We ain't boys, hell, were men," said Gary, leaning out the window and spiting for




"Well I don't mean no harm, honey.  Hey, you guys wants some beer?"


"Sure enough. Yeah!"


"Well give me the money, honey."


"Wait. What's your names?" asked Lonnie.


"I'm Wanda and this here’s Darlene, and you?"


The lads had a game plan. They would use rubbers and not use their names or


tell where they lived. These girls were a one-night stand, not even a page in the lives of


Lonnie and Gary. They chose to be Johnny (Cash) and Chet (Atkins) for the evening.


Lonnie gave Wanda a five-dollar bill and soon Wonderful Wanda moseyed on out with two


six packs of beer and change.


"Here ya go, sugar."


Wanda sat in the back seat with Lonnie, gave him the change, and a long wet


kiss. Finally Lonnie had to come up for air. She had sucked out all of his strength and


Lonnie was gasping for air. Wind sprints were never like this. Gary asked Darlene


where they should go to park and get to know each other. Hayward State had recently


opened and became a make out spot. It was high on the hill overlooking the Bay. All of


the streetlights looked like strings of pearls. Lonnie was finishing his first beer and


Wonderful Wanda was starting her third.


"Hey Johnny, you best catch up. You wouldn't want ol' Wanda to drink it all and


get down right sexy."


"Darlin', we can get plenty more. You just drink up and get as sexy as you want."


Meanwhile in the front seat, Chet and Darlene were sucking face. Darlene was a


slender girl with a toned body. Unfortunately all of her chest went to Wanda, but Darlene


made up for it. Later Gary would describe it as foreplay with a vacuum cleaner. She may


have had a flat chest, but she had great lungs.


There was no time to drink beer or put on a Trojan warrior with Darlene wrapped


around Chet. She had the tightest body that he had entered. It seemed that Darlene


could stay in the saddle all night.


Johnny was feeding Wonderful Wanda beers as fast as he could. She was a real


trooper and could chug 12 ounce cans faster than any man Lonnie had seen. Wanda was


getting hot, so Johnny obliged her, and began to remove her clothes. Wanda was on her


fifth beer when Johnny got to the prize: her panties. She raised her butt off the seat and


he corralled her black lace panties with embroidery. There it was, the trophy just waiting to


be taken. She spread her legs and sat lower in the back seat. It was just a matter of time.


He slid his hand along Wanda’s thighs and she quivered.  It was almost two months since


Lonnie’s last encounter with Gina. His crotch was pulsating, he broke out into a sweat, his


heart was racing, and he was breathing faster.  Lonnie traveled the length of her thighs


with his tongue and stopped at the Y: the gateway to paradise. He extended his finger to


pry open the lock on the honey pot. His finger slid in, and Wanda lunged and moaned with


pleasure. She spread her legs further apart dripping with love juice. Lonnie leaned down to


lick the nectar, when suddenly, "God damn bitch. You God damn bitch. Shit!"


Lonnie had forgotten the third law of physics: when you fill a bimbo at one end it


will come out the other. Wanda had urinated all over the backseat, on Lonnie’s chest,


and his new shirt that lay on the floor by her feet. Lonnie stomped out of the car and


wiped his hairy chest with Wanda’s sweater. He pulled not so wonderful Wanda out of the


car, and threw her clothes at the naked and surprised Bimbo.  He opened the front door to


pry Darlene from Chet. She had a leg lock on Chet that any wrestler would have been


proud of. Chet was still having a wild ride with Darlene and did not want to stop for fear


that she might dig her spurs in his butt. Lonnie paced back and forth along side of the


car. Wanda started to dress and was crying.  She said that she was sorry that she had


pissed on Lonnie’s favorite shirt.   He ignored her and lit a cigarette.


Finally, Darlene finished with Chet and he slumped deep into the seat, a used mass


of spent manhood. Darlene wiped herself, dressed, and was ready for the next cowpoke. It


was true what they said about Hayward girls, they were something else. Wanda had


dressed and was mad that Lonnie had thrown her out of the car when she was getting


to take all that he had.  Lonnie explained to Wanda that she had pissed all over the back


seat and his new shirt.  She began to laugh and that really upset Lonnie. The two girls


were dumped at Hayward State.  Gary was too tired, so Lonnie drove


They stopped at the first grocery store and bought a large bottle of Lysol


disinfectant to clean the back seat and Lonnie’s shirt. It removed some of the smell of


urine, but his favorite shirt was history now, so he threw it out of the window. A Hayward


policeman noticed the cavalier attitude shown by the two lads with San Francisco license


frames. The cop turned on his red light and sounded the siren. It was too late for anything


evasive. Lonnie didn’t have a driving license, only a permit.  He said that Gary was sick


and had thrown up on his shirt. Lonnie didn't mean no disrespect to Hayward, but the shirt


stunk. Gary began to act like he was going to throw up. The officer didn’t accept their


story. He drove back and retrieved the shirt. It smelled like piss. The officer said that


because Gary was sick and Lonnie did not have a driver's license, they would have to


spend the night in juvenile hall and call their parents in the morning. Quickly, Gary was well


enough to drive. The officer agreed to cite Lonnie for driving without a license and littering.


It was fifty dollars for driving without a license and twenty dollars for littering. The cop


warned them that because they lied to him, he could make them spend the night in jail.


What could be worse? Telling your parent's that you might have made a girl pregnant, or


calling your folks from jail in Hayward, and asking them to pay for your bail. Lonnie


detected a familiar accent in the cop’s speech. The Po-lease man was from a town thirty


mile south of Lonnie’s hometown of Pineville, Louisiana. It seemed that as boys they had


fished in the same creek. The cop let them go and Lonnie had to pay twenty dollars for


littering. They couldn’t remove the smell of urine from the backseat, so Lonnie splashed a


liberal amount of Jade East after shave on the back seat.  He always carried a bottle 


so that he would smell great for the ladies. They drove home with the windows down,


hoping to air out the car.  The station wagon smelled like Jade East for a month.  Gary's


mother refused to go to church in a car that smelled like a ..... She couldn’t say


whorehouse because that was unbecoming of a southern lady.


Lonnie could not understand his streak of bad luck. In a week, everyone in the


neighborhood knew what had happened to Gary and him in Hayward. Lonnie's dad


thought it would be best if Lonnie spent the summer in Louisiana with his Uncle Bobby who


owned a country store in southeast Louisiana. Not too much happened in the sleepy town


of Pineville.








Jim’s birthday passed without a party, just like last year and the year before. His


friends and cousins always had birthday parties. He didn’t know what he had done to be


denied a simple birthday party.  His grade average in Literature and Speech was


borderline B-, C+. He might have to play the Rose Card with Brother Patrick sooner than


he wished. He was sixteen, but because of what Lonnie and Gary had done, Jim’s father


wanted to wait a while before getting an application for Jim’s driving permit. That was okay


with him.  Jim’s father Joe was under a lot of stress because Joe’s father was slowly dying


of cancer in a hospital.  Each day Joe visited his father at the hospital after work, and felt


his father’s pain.  Joe always respected his father for insisting that he stay in high school


and graduate. There was a special bond between Joe and his father. Jim wanted to feel


that same bond with Joe. It hurt Jim when he saw Bob's dad take Bob to a baseball game. 


Joe was busy caring for his dying father. A couple of times Bob's dad invited Jim.  He went


but felt out of place. Bob and Joan sat close, Bob's dad and Joan's dad sat discussing the


game, and  Jim sat alone in a stadium filled with 50,00 people cheering for Willie Mays.


Bob's dad had good intentions, but Jim did not feel like he belonged.






More next week...

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