St. Nick's Outlaws
By Jim Colombo
Click here to send comments
Click here if you'd like to exchange critiques
Copyright 2001 Jim Colombo
Easter vacation was too short. When Jim returned to school Brother Justin told
the students in homeroom that Brother Joseph had fallen in the shower and broken his
arm. Brother Joseph needed time to mend. Brother Justin introduced Brother Timothy to
the class, "Brother Timothy will replace Brother Joseph for the balance of the semester."
Brother Timothy was a slight man who fluttered when he talked or walked. Most of the
guys thought that Brother Timmy was queer, hence Brother Butterfly. By lunch time most
of the student body knew that Brother Burgundy had broken his arm while taking a shower
prior to attending six o’clock mass at St. Mary's Cathedral. Brother Justin had posted a
memo on the bulletin board that Brother Joseph had slipped on a bar of soap.
A week later Ted Gannon’s father, Foxie, who patrolled the Tenderloin district, told
his son the true story. Brother Burgundy frequently went to a bar in the Tenderloin district
of San Francisco called "The Blue Note," where he had established himself as an English
teacher at Lowell High School in the city. Everyone at the Blue Note knew him as Joe. He
was a hell of a guy with a great sense of humor. He liked to buy the ladies drinks, and was
a pretty good dancer. There were times when Joe would run up a tab but on the first of
every month Joe paid in full. The night before Easter Joe was drunk and fell off a barstool.
He embarrassed himself in front of the ladies and decided it was time to go home to the
rectory. While staggering back to St. Nick's, he swayed and fell down a stairway to a
basement apartment. He laid there for a while, then painfully crawled to the top of the
stairs to street level. A patrol car was passing by and saw someone either drunk or hurt, so
they stopped. The two policemen helped Brother Joseph up and smelled beer on his
breath. Joe had difficulty talking and mumbled that he was okay. One of the cops grabbed
Joe’s arm trying to help him maintain his balance while he tried to find his wallet. Joe’s arm
was broken above the elbow and he yelled in pain. The cops took Joe to the emergency at
St. Mary's Hospital. There they discovered that Joe was a Christian Brother. One of the
cops had graduated from Saint Ignatius and was embarrassed that on the night before
Easter Sunday a man of God was found drunk in a stairway in the Tenderloin. Brother
Joseph was not charged with drunken disorderly and the hospital did not bill the
Christian Brothers for the care given. The next Monday morning Brother Joseph left for a
retreat in the Imperial Valley about 50 miles from anything resembling civilization. It was
run by the Christian Bothers to help fellow Brothers who had fallen into sin and out of
control as servants of God.
The guys in 10C had graduated from a drunk as their homeroom brother and
religion teacher to a queer. If Brother Butterfly liked you, he would flutter his eyelashes
at you by quickly blinking them, giving what the lads called butterfly kisses. Some of the
guys quickly discovered how easy it was to earn an A in religion. If a student teased and
allowed Brother Tim put his arm around the student, or better yet flirt like Steinway, then
Brother Tim went off like a rocket. The students sometimes wondered how far Steinway
would go to tease Brother Tim and light his fire. Jim followed Steinway’s lead and got
an easy A. It was easier than bribing Moonface with chocolate fudge cookies for a B-
grade in religion class as a freshman. It amazed Jim to listen to Brother Butterfly quote
chapter and verse from the Bible in religion class, while flirting with Steinway who sat in the
front. The day of the student’s first exam a rose in a white vase mysteriously appeared on
Brother Tim's desk. No one knew where it came from, and it filled Brother Tim's day with
joy. He was in rare form that day, bubbling about what a thoughtful gesture to leave a rose.
He asked twice who was responsible for the kind gift. All of the guys thought it was
Steinway, but he denied it. Brother Tim fluttered around the room like a honeybee from
flower to flower, his feet never touching the ground. Six weeks later it was time for the
students second exam. As they walked into class, there was a long stem red rose in
white vase. Well, Brother Tim could not restrain himself. He almost began to cry. Steinway
still denied that he was giving Brother Tim the rose, but most of the guys believed it was
him, because of what he had done to Mr. McTee. Whoever was leaving the rose had
to get to class very early. The only person at school that early was Casmir the janitor.
Casmir was a freedom fighter in Hungary in 1957. The Russians came with tanks
and soldiers, and crushed their attempt for freedom. He had to flee Hungary. Catholic
Charities sponsored him to come to America. He was a man in his forties who had never
married. Casmir had worked at St. Nick's for five years. He was a friendly man who spoke
broken English. Jim spent some time with Casmir helping him with pronunciation. In return
Casmir would let Jim use the weight room on weekends. Jim asked one day if he had seen
someone come early on the day of the test. Casmir nodded and smiled. Jim asked if it was
Steinway and Casmir shook his head. Jim looked surprised and Casmir smiled again.
Casmir explained that the mysterious person was Brother Patrick, the literature and
speech teacher. Jim could see another easy A coming. He thanked Casmir and told him
that he would spend more time helping Casmir learn English. If Brother Justin found out
about Brother Timothy and Brother Patrick, they would be sent to the same retreat where
Bother Joseph resided. Giving the rose on the day of a test gave the appearance that the
mystery donor was a student. What would happen if a second rose was offered alongside
of Brother Patrick's rose for the final exam? Brother Tim would come to class and there
would be two gestures of kindness. What would Brother Patrick think when he passed
Brother Tim's classroom and saw two roses? The idea was tempting. Jim had learned
when playing poker that it was skill, not luck. Brother Patrick was a hand that Jim had to
play cautiously and discretely.
This was that special year when the lads turned 16 and would get their driver's
licenses. Gary was the first one to get his license. He was so nervous that during his
driving test he stopped at the first two green lights. Lonnie had finished his month of
shame with Gina and wanted to get back in the saddle. He needed to reaffirm his
manhood. Gary teased Lonnie if he had forgotten how to do it. Lonnie and Gary were from
Louisiana and wanted to carry on as rowdy rebels in the fine tradition of hicks. They would
say po' leese or see’-ment. There was no way to understand the words all and oil, because
there were pronounced the same way. They thought that their accent was charming, but
Jim thought they made fools of themselves every time they spoke. Lonnie convinced Gary
to borrowing his father 's station wagon one Saturday night to cruise to Hayward on the
other side of the San Francisco Bay. Any city or town outside of San Francisco was
considered the country or a hick town. The lads had heard that in Hayward or Fremont the
girls were very adventurous, fun loving, and easy to pick up. The lads crossed the Bay
Bridge, turned right at Oakland and proceeded south to Hayward. Gary turned off at
Mission Boulevard. The lads began cruising for chicks. The car radio was playing “Hey!
Baby” by Bruce Chennel and “Johnny Angel” by Shelley Fabares. Suddenly, range, mark:
2,000 yards, bearing 0270, identify: two foxes on the starboard side, battle stations, open
torpedo doors. Two bimbos were spotted standing in front of a liquor store. The friendly
natives waved at the lads, offering a welcome port. The lads quickly came about and
docked by the locals. One of the foxes approached the car to greet the lads. She leaned
over by the window and showed her qualifications, rather large qualifications. A pair of D
size tits held hostage in a tight sweater that hung to her waist.
"Hey there darlin'. You boys from around here?" said the queen of the welcome
"We ain't boys, hell, were men," said Gary, leaning out the window and spiting for
"Well I don't mean no harm, honey. Hey, you guys wants some beer?"
"Sure enough. Yeah!"
"Well give me the money, honey."
"Wait. What's your names?" asked Lonnie.
"I'm Wanda and this here’s Darlene, and you?"
The lads had a game plan. They would use rubbers and not use their names or
tell where they lived. These girls were a one-night stand, not even a page in the lives of
Lonnie and Gary. They chose to be Johnny (Cash) and Chet (Atkins) for the evening.
Lonnie gave Wanda a five-dollar bill and soon Wonderful Wanda moseyed on out with two
six packs of beer and change.
"Here ya go, sugar."
Wanda sat in the back seat with Lonnie, gave him the change, and a long wet
kiss. Finally Lonnie had to come up for air. She had sucked out all of his strength and
Lonnie was gasping for air. Wind sprints were never like this. Gary asked Darlene
where they should go to park and get to know each other. Hayward State had recently
opened and became a make out spot. It was high on the hill overlooking the Bay. All of
the streetlights looked like strings of pearls. Lonnie was finishing his first beer and
Wonderful Wanda was starting her third.
"Hey Johnny, you best catch up. You wouldn't want ol' Wanda to drink it all and
get down right sexy."
"Darlin', we can get plenty more. You just drink up and get as sexy as you want."
Meanwhile in the front seat, Chet and Darlene were sucking face. Darlene was a
slender girl with a toned body. Unfortunately all of her chest went to Wanda, but Darlene
made up for it. Later Gary would describe it as foreplay with a vacuum cleaner. She may
have had a flat chest, but she had great lungs.
There was no time to drink beer or put on a Trojan warrior with Darlene wrapped
around Chet. She had the tightest body that he had entered. It seemed that Darlene
could stay in the saddle all night.
Johnny was feeding Wonderful Wanda beers as fast as he could. She was a real
trooper and could chug 12 ounce cans faster than any man Lonnie had seen. Wanda was
getting hot, so Johnny obliged her, and began to remove her clothes. Wanda was on her
fifth beer when Johnny got to the prize: her panties. She raised her butt off the seat and
he corralled her black lace panties with embroidery. There it was, the trophy just waiting to
be taken. She spread her legs and sat lower in the back seat. It was just a matter of time.
He slid his hand along Wanda’s thighs and she quivered. It was almost two months since
Lonnie’s last encounter with Gina. His crotch was pulsating, he broke out into a sweat, his
heart was racing, and he was breathing faster. Lonnie traveled the length of her thighs
with his tongue and stopped at the Y: the gateway to paradise. He extended his finger to
pry open the lock on the honey pot. His finger slid in, and Wanda lunged and moaned with
pleasure. She spread her legs further apart dripping with love juice. Lonnie leaned down to
lick the nectar, when suddenly, "God damn bitch. You God damn bitch. Shit!"
Lonnie had forgotten the third law of physics: when you fill a bimbo at one end it
will come out the other. Wanda had urinated all over the backseat, on Lonnie’s chest,
and his new shirt that lay on the floor by her feet. Lonnie stomped out of the car and
wiped his hairy chest with Wanda’s sweater. He pulled not so wonderful Wanda out of the
car, and threw her clothes at the naked and surprised Bimbo. He opened the front door to
pry Darlene from Chet. She had a leg lock on Chet that any wrestler would have been
proud of. Chet was still having a wild ride with Darlene and did not want to stop for fear
that she might dig her spurs in his butt. Lonnie paced back and forth along side of the
car. Wanda started to dress and was crying. She said that she was sorry that she had
pissed on Lonnie’s favorite shirt. He ignored her and lit a cigarette.
Finally, Darlene finished with Chet and he slumped deep into the seat, a used mass
of spent manhood. Darlene wiped herself, dressed, and was ready for the next cowpoke. It
was true what they said about Hayward girls, they were something else. Wanda had
dressed and was mad that Lonnie had thrown her out of the car when she was getting
to take all that he had. Lonnie explained to Wanda that she had pissed all over the back
seat and his new shirt. She began to laugh and that really upset Lonnie. The two girls
were dumped at Hayward State. Gary was too tired, so Lonnie drove
They stopped at the first grocery store and bought a large bottle of Lysol
disinfectant to clean the back seat and Lonnie’s shirt. It removed some of the smell of
urine, but his favorite shirt was history now, so he threw it out of the window. A Hayward
policeman noticed the cavalier attitude shown by the two lads with San Francisco license
frames. The cop turned on his red light and sounded the siren. It was too late for anything
evasive. Lonnie didn’t have a driving license, only a permit. He said that Gary was sick
and had thrown up on his shirt. Lonnie didn't mean no disrespect to Hayward, but the shirt
stunk. Gary began to act like he was going to throw up. The officer didn’t accept their
story. He drove back and retrieved the shirt. It smelled like piss. The officer said that
because Gary was sick and Lonnie did not have a driver's license, they would have to
spend the night in juvenile hall and call their parents in the morning. Quickly, Gary was well
enough to drive. The officer agreed to cite Lonnie for driving without a license and littering.
It was fifty dollars for driving without a license and twenty dollars for littering. The cop
warned them that because they lied to him, he could make them spend the night in jail.
What could be worse? Telling your parent's that you might have made a girl pregnant, or
calling your folks from jail in Hayward, and asking them to pay for your bail. Lonnie
detected a familiar accent in the cop’s speech. The Po-lease man was from a town thirty
mile south of Lonnie’s hometown of Pineville, Louisiana. It seemed that as boys they had
fished in the same creek. The cop let them go and Lonnie had to pay twenty dollars for
littering. They couldn’t remove the smell of urine from the backseat, so Lonnie splashed a
liberal amount of Jade East after shave on the back seat. He always carried a bottle
so that he would smell great for the ladies. They drove home with the windows down,
hoping to air out the car. The station wagon smelled like Jade East for a month. Gary's
mother refused to go to church in a car that smelled like a ..... She couldn’t say
whorehouse because that was unbecoming of a southern lady.
Lonnie could not understand his streak of bad luck. In a week, everyone in the
neighborhood knew what had happened to Gary and him in Hayward. Lonnie's dad
thought it would be best if Lonnie spent the summer in Louisiana with his Uncle Bobby who
owned a country store in southeast Louisiana. Not too much happened in the sleepy town
Jim’s birthday passed without a party, just like last year and the year before. His
friends and cousins always had birthday parties. He didn’t know what he had done to be
denied a simple birthday party. His grade average in Literature and Speech was
borderline B-, C+. He might have to play the Rose Card with Brother Patrick sooner than
he wished. He was sixteen, but because of what Lonnie and Gary had done, Jim’s father
wanted to wait a while before getting an application for Jim’s driving permit. That was okay
with him. Jim’s father Joe was under a lot of stress because Joe’s father was slowly dying
of cancer in a hospital. Each day Joe visited his father at the hospital after work, and felt
his father’s pain. Joe always respected his father for insisting that he stay in high school
and graduate. There was a special bond between Joe and his father. Jim wanted to feel
that same bond with Joe. It hurt Jim when he saw Bob's dad take Bob to a baseball game.
Joe was busy caring for his dying father. A couple of times Bob's dad invited Jim. He went
but felt out of place. Bob and Joan sat close, Bob's dad and Joan's dad sat discussing the
game, and Jim sat alone in a stadium filled with 50,00 people cheering for Willie Mays.
Bob's dad had good intentions, but Jim did not feel like he belonged.
More next week...