By Corben Harper
The Dissociative Press
WASHINGTON --Lawyers from both sides of the God vs. Corben Harper case meet today with Judge Farce for their first round of pre-trial deliberations.
Negotiations for an out of court settlement fell through last week when lawyers for Harper turned down a third seven figure offer from the Lord’s attorneys. Mr. Harper has received criticism from all sides of this case after telling one NBC reporter, “These offers are an insult to intelligence. His pockets go way deeper than that. I’ll see the ‘Almighty’ in court.”
The dispute between God, the Author of Reality, and Harper, an unknown satirist, started back in early May, when God allegedly plagiarized a story that Harper says he’d been working on for months. “Well, I hadn’t put ink to paper yet,” said Harper, “but it doesn’t have to be written down in order for the Grand Master of Space and Time to steal it, now does it?”
The story, Harper explains, was about a young boy who, under
his school's new "Zero Tolerance" policies, gets arrested at school for
drawing a picture of a gun. Then, on May 7th, such an event actually
occurred at Oldsmar Elementary School
in St. Petersburg, Florida. The boy involved in the incident was even handcuffed ‘for his own safety’ and taken to a local precinct for interrogation. God's attorney's admit the similarity between this event and Harper's story but vehemently deny the plagiarism charge.
“Similar, my ASS,” complains Harper. “All God did was change the age of the kid and took out the pun about the cop ‘drawing’ down on him with a 38 special. This is butt-naked piracy, plain and simple.”
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God, against the advice of his attorneys and a pretrial gag order, spoke briefly with reporters before entering the courthouse this afternoon. “As the Omnipotent Ruler of All Creation, I will do as I damn well please,” God contended defiantly. “This case isn’t even about forgery; Its about humanism and blind greed taking precedence over finer levels of consciousness. And I, for One, am not going to lay down while this presumptuous imbecile makes a mockery out of Reality when Reality is perfectly capable of making a mockery out of ITSELF!”
God also claims that he had no INTENT of creating a satirical or comical situation at Oldsmar Elementary adding that, “Hey, shit happens.”
God's attorneys point out that since no one involved in the Oldsmar incident was laughing during or after the arrest no “comedy” actually took place.
“That is a patently ridiculous argument,” asserts Harper attorney, Bill Leech. “They weren’t not laughing because it wasn’t funny; They weren’t laughing because they were awestruck with disbelief that the satire they usually only see in a Woody Allen film was playing itself out in real life right before their very eyes!!!”
Lawyers from the Ironic Deities Legal Assistance Foundation (ID LAF), offered their services to God when news broke of Harper’s allegations. “I think this case demonstrates what some writers will do just to get notoriety,” said attorney Dean Huntz. “Our client hasn’t lost a case in 15 billion years. Harper knows this; He’s not here to win, he’s here to dance in the spotlight.”
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Harper’s lawyers say that the case may escalate into a class action suit. Since settlement negotiations fell through, their offices have been inundated with phone calls from writers all over the country who claim that Reality constitutes an illegal monopoly on literature that pits struggling authors against unfair levels of competition. “If that happens,” said God, “you can bet your lame mortal ass I’ll be filing counter suits left and right.”
ID LAF representatives aptly point out that, God, as the ultimate source of everything in Creation, is not only innocent of plagiarism charges and the illegal monopoly claim, but has in fact been plagiarized by untold numbers of writers who ultimately must get their inspirations from Him.
'Fair Trial' Protests
Jury selection is expected to begin in three weeks as ID LAF lawyers push to get the case expedited overseas arguing that there’s “no way” God will be able to receive a fair trial in the US. This has sparked demonstrations all over the country as incensed Christian leaders demand that the case be kept in the states and that ID LAF issue a public apology for their comments.
One angry protester was tackled and restrained on the court house steps
after grazing The Lord’s head with a long, toy rubber alligator he
was wielding while shouting “This is GOD’S country! Fire in the hole! Fire
in the hole!” Soon afterwards, confused reporters pined a visibly shaken
Supreme Being for an explanation of this bizarre incident. “We have no
further comment at this time,” affirmed Huntz as the Lord was rushed to