By Corben Harper
The Dissociative Press
A report released today by the President's Collectivist Commission On Mothering Affection (PC COMA) says that their 50 million dollar 1 year study of lap sitting clearly demonstrates that children who are allowed to sit on their mother's laps tend to develop a disorder known as Hyper Security Syndrome. Victims of HSS have a strong aversion to military, corporate, and industrial indoctrination as well as a much lower tolerance for what some sociologists have termed "bullshit".
Concerns are spreading that the next generation of workers will not be able to sustain America's elaborate fossil fuel, war based economy. Public officials (and corporate lobbyists) are scrambling to rectify this crisis before President Bush launches the US into a new era of international conflict and over-consumption of unrenewable natural resources.
Dan Jingoist, a spokesman for Lockheed-Martin, a top military industrial contractor, had strong words for the press this morning. "We've just built an entire fleet of F-22 Supersonic Stealth fighter jets armed with Fuel-Air bombs and tactical nukes. Who the heck is gonna use these things to kill little brown people for oil if we’re all a bunch of sensitive, lap sitting panty-wastes?"
"Carpal Tunnel syndrome is painful as is getting your head
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Pentagon General, Les Love, was equally appalled by what he described as a "downward spiral toward international peace" emanating from the rank and file of the US armed services. Last weeks wave of conscientious objector applications was the 3rd such mass demonstration in as many years and sent panic through the pentagon community. When ask for further comment, Love, flushed with anger, shoved reporters aside yelling, "Get out of my way you pussies!"
None of this came as a surprise to Jean Bitchalert, a human resources consultant to the Fortune 500. "Even the white collar sector isn’t what it used to be,” Bitchalert explains. “This new generation of sissy-fied, well-nurtured, home schooled executives can't be trusted when it comes to lying about layoffs and stock options, covering up illegal toxic waste dumps, repressing alternative technologies, or enslaving the western hemisphere with NAFTA. And the CEO's are getting mighty tired of all this caring and love for other human beings," she added emphatically as she removed a half empty bottle of valiums from her briefcase.
Study is Criticized
The reliability of the PC COMA study is hotly contested by some
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However, voices of dissent have been well rebutted by respected analysts like Stanford’s Dr. Howard Paidoff. “This research is a definitive landmark in our ever expanding knowledge of human resource development,” explains Paidoff. “HSS is costing our nation billions of dollars in lost productivity every year. We must get the word out to parents across the country: Lap sitting kills.”
Today President Bush met with corporate leaders, pentagon officials and the NEA to discuss possible measures to combat HSS and the other maleficent side effects of lap sitting. Out of that meeting came a decision to not only LEGALIZE mental and physical child abuse, but to MANDATE it for all preschool aged children on the floor of the House and Senate. Measures to enforce this legislation would include requiring homeschool parents to provide proof of “substantial levels” of trauma and neurosis in each child.
Already there’s a groundswell of grassroots support for this measure as industries across the nation prepare to abandon worker safety requirements and increase work schedules to 6 days per week, 12 hours per day, and vacation time awarded based on workers’ ability to demonstrate random meanness on and off the job.
“That should toughen our nation back up a little,” assured Bush.